This one's from the archives, but it's new to you... Ironic because I am in fact rockin' the glittered eyelids today even though I'm just sitting at home working. But there's a difference between desperately covering up your perceived flaws and glamming it up because you feel good about yourself. The longer I am in the presence of real love, and surrounded by good people who aren't so superficial, the more I get confident and comfortable with who I am.

I took a lot of emotional damage back in the day, but the wounds that remain are a great catalyst for the writing that must be done... the poems and songs that will make up my official body of work. There's an underlying theme of healing in everything that I do, and it's my ultimate goal to get these messages to the people that need to hear them. Maybe you're one of them.

To Stand Bare

You are moist, dewy, shining like the sun.
Skin clean and free of foundations, powders,
concealers, bronzers... nothing to mask
the essential glow from within.
I noticed this long ago but I feared it.
I didn't have the confidence
to stand bare like you.
You don't swim with the school of fashion,
content in your nonconformity,
clueless as to how beautiful you are.
I admire you, the finished product.
I stand at your door,
wrapped in garments
a little too similar
to all the rest.
My shine is blotted out,
my lips an unnatural hue,
my eyelids glimmer disgustingly.
This is what I'm hiding beneath.

photo credit: David Paul Ohmer via flickr 

Like everybody else, I'm glued to the computer screen watching the premiere of Lady Gaga's Alejandro video this afternoon... I don't think I've written much here about Gaga, but I've been a hardcore little monster since the 2009 VMA's performance. I had The Fame prior to that and loved it, but I didn't really get bitten until that night. Now I joke about my reverence to her, making the monster claw and showing my teeth when she comes on TV. :-) I bought The Fame Monster deluxe edition with the piece of her hair. Even our dog Jack has a little stuffed lamb toy that we named Lady Baa Baa. She's a flea bitch, baby.

But anyway, I'm writing this post as a quick stab at the meaning of the Alejandro video. I may be adept at crafting my own symbolic word puzzles, but I don't claim to be the genius who can unravel others' work. I'm a big fan of the way that George Romero's movies make a statement about consumerism, but until that was explained to me, I just loved the movies as a study in survival instinct. It's the same with Gaga. I think I get it, and then someone explains it to me, and I love it even more.

Sometimes I love my mistaken meanings even more than the real thing.

Check out the video and then my take on it will follow...


My interpretation of Gaga's new video is this... I see it as being simply broken down into a few words: "Love As War." We all participate in it, choreographed and commanded by Love herself. I see Gaga as representing Love, and the dancers representing us mere mortals who are soldiers for it. We fight for love, pushing for that one coveted heart, but there are always casualties. Alejandro met his fate, and eventually so does Love itself. Sacrificed for its own ideals.

What do you think? Am I way off with that? I'll post again in a few days after I've read some others' interpretations of it.

There's a lot of gender.... I want to say gender bending. Gender blurriness. Gender flipping. I don't know what the proper phrase is, and maybe all of them apply. But it's beautiful, because we live in this time when people are more free to explore their gender identity than ever before, and her art is representing that. This of course ties in perfectly with the Don't Ask, Don't Tell situation too. Soldiers in fishnet stockings and high heels... these are images that need to be seen and thought about. I grew up so uncomfortable with my sexuality. Artists like Gaga are instrumental in making sure that the kids today don't grow up feeling the way that I did. Not that this is necessarily a kid appropriate video...

But then that opens up the whole question of why American kids are exposed to a ridiculous amount of senseless violence, but they're "protected" from even the slightest mention of sex. If you're a parent, you might want to think twice about making sex more forbidden in your child's mind than murder. Just a thought.

Well, duty calls and this soldier of love has to get back out on the battlefield. Please comment below or on Twitter at @OfficialKelley if you agree or disagree with my ideas here! Wondering if you guys got the same things out of it that I did... I'll bet it's even deeper than what I thought, but I'm a child of pop music and I need the meanings spoon fed to me! I have no shame and I'll be a pop puppet until I die! :::makes monster claw::: xo

Just watched Lady Gaga talk about being both satisfied and dissatisfied with her work, and that it's the nature of being an artist... Made me think of my own perfectionism and that I would release much more work if I let it rest in that space of being imperfect. My thoughts over the last few days have been focused on that, and Gaga's words clarified it for me. The perfectionism is crippling.

I just finished watching the videos of Whitney Houston's performance at the O2 last night, after hearing the rumble across the internet about her voice being "torn to shreds." I read several articles that were unbelievably harsh, and I just have a few things to say.

To those who speak badly of Whitney today... Try being in her shoes in those moments. You'd have crumbled under that pressure. She's been through so much. To even attempt this tour is admirable.

People speak as if she owes them something. If you want your money back, get it back. But don't throw more negative energy at a human being who is trying.

 Keep in mind that your favorite "artists" lip sync DAILY. Whitney valiantly TRIED and didn't fake it though she could have.

It's impossible to know whether she's attempted this tour out of the desires of her own heart or for the demands of those who will profit. I'm sure, as with all artists, she's been taken advantage of and money is owed. They're cracking that whip and most of us would just break.

The record label, the promoters, the venue, the audience... It's a lot of pressure on someone who probably isn't prepared for any of it. And sadly, worst of all, most of the people in that arena probably wanted to see her fail. Bought tickets hoping to see a train wreck.

I'm not one of those rabid fans who will fight to the death to defend her. I just saw all these malicious comments and it bothered me. I wouldn't have half the vocal skills I do if it weren't for that woman and the things that she taught me. So I'm going to applaud her even while the world tears her down.

We should all have compassion. That's all I have to say.  

"The aftermath is the brightest path so far." -Lisa Lopes

Hope you guys are having a nice Sunday afternoon... I'm chillin with DVR episodes of "Brandy & Ray J: A Family Business" and "What Chilli Wants" on VH1. Guilty pleasure! ☺

Strange to realize Lisa Left Eye Lopes died eight years ago today, on the day I finally sat down to watch these Chilli episodes. I was really taken down by the concert scenes and Lisa's family in that episode. I needed blankets and ice cream. I wanted to curl up and cry.

TLC's first album was very empowering for me in a time when I was otherwise losing myself. I always have Lisa's words in my head. I don't think anyone appreciated her enough while she was here. Her words were ahead of her time. People tripped on the scandal.

I haven't listened to enough of her solo work. One day when I'm in that melancholy space I'm going to lay back and listen.

Rest in peace Left Eye! You are missed.

"Afraid to face the sticks and stones, and now she's searchin' for the grace to carry on." -Lisa Lopes

I haven't been a very good blogger, have I? So many times I sit down to write, and I just scrap it because it feels inauthentic. I feel like I've been writing through a veil. Maybe my inner censor or my inner critic has me paralyzed.

I'm still planning the work and working the plan, but so much of the puzzle still falls off the table every day. I can focus like a laser but when it comes to balancing things, I don't know how to make it happen.

Last month I was excellent with work and making time for my relationship. This month I'm decent with work but failing miserably at making time for love. And though I've been writing lyrics and poems as always, I haven't made any time to do anything with them.

I get overwhelmed when I should be energized and excited. Why do I do that? How do you guys handle all the things that your lives are comprised of? I consistently feel like I'm missing the key.

I present this one with no explanation, and leave it open to interpretation. In a while I'll break it down for you in a new blog post, but before I do... can anybody who has been reading me for a while tell me what this poem is about?

While She Sleeps

I can dance down here among the leaves,
dart in between the sun-scorched blades
some distance from the sea.

She'll never see me.

I can make a haven from sticks and string,
sewn with seashells and cranberries
like jewels on a rich canopy.

Here I dream safely.

Tucked in the brush I am unseen,
while I turn fantasies into master plans
to lead the rest to harmony.

Someone must believe.

I can dance here on the crumpled leaves,
dart in between the broken blades
too close to stormy seas.

And I will succeed
while the giant sleeps.
I'll defy her wishes for me.

photo credit: Dare Darlington via flickr

I was going through some of my gramma's old cards and letters today, and I had some thoughts. I'm often so bitter about the fact that people just don't care about each other like they used to. The connections that were once so strong have died.
I should note that these are not my connections to mend. But I see everyone growing older and more alone. And it really saddens me.
I may not be able to control that, but it's in my hands to forge those kinds of connections with MY loved ones right now. I can one day raise my kids to care about other people and to keep their own strong connections. To never judge each other and backstab like so many in my family have done.
Having said that... The world has changed, but so have I. "They" are not the only cold and bitter ones. I am cold and bitter too. But I have a vision and a purpose. I have love in my heart and I want things to be better.
Today I put in some elbow grease to make our home feel more like the love nest that it was a little less than a year ago for Lisa and I. I've come a long way with organization, but I can still mess up a house like no other! ;-) So I put some heart into it.
There's a bottle of champagne on ice right now, and in just a little bit we will be relaxing in our clean and candle lit bedroom watching The Twilight Zone! (Which is something that was actually quite instrumental in bringing us back together!) We haven't made time for a night like this in so long.
THIS is what life is about. It's about love. It's got nothing to do with the stress and headaches of trying to live up to someone's expectations. I was raised to value other people's opinions too damn much, and I am exhausted from the endless to-do lists and the pot of gold that's never at the end of these rainbows. I've been chasing nothing. There's no substance in their approval.
Look at what I have here. It's a beautiful thing. A genuine partnership between two souls. So few really have this. To not appreciate it is a crime. And we will still be cherishing this (though in a different home!) when this blog post is fifty years old. I'm calling off the pressure. They can't pressure me unless I allow them to. I hereby submit to the comfy coziness of this night! :-) and I hope you do the same. goodnight!

I've been mapping out a life plan, not just my usual to-do lists that always get shifted forward and pushed around, but a solid passionate plan that will get me where I should have already been. I had some epiphanies in the last couple of months that shifted my perspective. I have been living my life through other people's eyes. Waiting for approval, waiting for permission... I'm an adult. I can give those things to myself.

A few posts ago I mentioned that my mom always told me not to rock the boat, and that I realized that my job here is to rock the boat. I love my mom, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, but I do not want to live her life. She's been everything to everyone. If someone needs something, they know to just call Barb.

She is constantly overextending herself, and exhausting herself in the process. The people that she takes care of never see the dark side of it, but I do. I've been here the whole time, watching her disappear under the weight of everything.

She is happiest when she's free. And so am I.

I was born with giant dreams. I knew from day one what I wanted to do, that it was possible even though people told me it wasn't, and that I would never be happy unless I went after that dream with all my heart. There's no room in that scenario for waiting around for people's permission. That has to end now.

I have coveted my family's approval all my life. I never felt that I fit in. Early on it was implied--just a feeling that I had. Later on it was blatant--not-so-subtle jokes or outright verbal attacks. Currently it's the behind-my-back variety, but it finds its way to my ears anyway.

Here's a tip: If someone's flailing, reach out to them. Don't make fun of them, and don't make them feel even more distant and isolated. Not everybody is as strong as me. I never crumbled under it, but a lot of people would.

I'm getting caught up in it again. To keep it on target, what I'm trying to say is that the people who I have mostly longed to please are the ones who don't waste a moment on me. They don't bother to read this blog though they know where to find it. They don't call me and ask how I'm doing. They connect with me sporadically at weddings and funerals, and that's it. And it hurts. Because I genuinely do love them. And I have wasted so much mental space trying to be what they wanted. And that was so stupid of me.

I've got a million things that I want to achieve. For many years, part of my motivation was to prove them all wrong, and I suppose there will always be a part of me that's stuck on that page. But that's just it. It's ONE page. This life is a book, maybe a whole shelf full of books, and that one page may have a big bright annoying bookmark calling attention to it, but there is so much more to my story than that. I can give myself permission to write the rest of those pages without worrying about the people who aren't going to read them anyway. And if they ever do, then I guess they'll finally know me.

The person who reads all the way down to this very line is the one that I care about. I'm able to connect with you here, or anywhere, because you care. You never fall out of touch for long, because for some damn reason you believe in this dream as much as I do. My focus should be here, in the sunlight, in the happiness. There is so much to celebrate, so much to believe in, and so much to achieve together.

This is a daily, specific, measurable plan to gain total control over my life now that I finally understand that I'm the only one at the wheel. And I'm going to keep in touch and let you guys know exactly what I'm working on and exactly how I'm doing. Thanks as always for the love and support... to the ones who are reading this now, and the ones who will read it much later.We're building an empire of healing here, from the music to the poems to these blog posts, and I can't do it without you.

Love and hugs!!!! xo

It was a wonderful Sunday. A day off from work and a night to relax. We picked up some good coffee and a cheap pizza and watched a movie. The original "The Crazies." George Romero is a god among directors.
Smoked my last good cig from a flavored pack that's been discontinued. It was exquisite. (Everything in moderation is my motto, don't emulate my occasional smokes, kids!)
Tonight I feel grateful for quiet evenings with my love. Love may be harder to find in this world now, but it is worth the wait and worth the work. Never settle.
Tomorrow morning I'm back to work, writing articles, doing taxes, shipping packages, doing a couple of favors for family, and most importantly working on my book.
Goodnight loves, and thank you as always for your support and belief in me! If you're out there reading this, give me a shout out in the comments or on twitter at @officialkelley. Sweet dreams!

Torn Sky

The sky is torn and no one else realizes it.
Contrary to its immortal elegance,
an ill-shapen gash has made its appearance
between the ninth cloud and my residence.


Dirty truth spills from the split seam.
It's clear that nothing is as it's been.


Where summer sun once happily blinded me,
in dimness I now see disfigured beings.
I see the snakelike ugliness behind smiles;
smell the rot of death beneath these lives.


Betrayal tumbles with the acid rain.
No friend or lover will be the same.


The appraisals arrive on the angry wind.
They don't know I've heard; I'm silently singed.
I bathe in the dust, drink the sand, inhale the dusk.
I lose my sleep, surrender my health, rescind my trust.


Damage is lasting for the sky and this child.
The sun will still attempt to kill this cold.

photo credit: h.koppdelane and Waponi via flickr

Just took a drive with the girlfriend and the dog, got a coffee for me and a hot chocolate for her. It's a spring night out there. Balmy. <3
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