I wrote this post about Michael Jackson in the early fall of '09, edited it a bit in October, and then let it languish in my drafts folder until now. Here it is, as it was originally written...A bunch of us are going to see Michael Jackson's This Is It on October 28th. I started writing this blog post when I was listening to the Michael Jackson tapes on the Today Show and Dateline NBC a few weeks ago, but never posted it... As I'm getting ready to go watch his last official work, it seems like a good time to put these thoughts out there.
On these interviews they kept saying, "This is the Michael Jackson that no one knew." But why? I knew this Michael Jackson. Nothing that I have heard on these tapes has surprised me one bit. Yes, in 2005 with the second round of allegations, I was afraid that I had been lied to for years about who this man was. Absolutely. But anyone who was paying the smallest amount of attention would have had to know him in the way that he is portraying himself on these tapes, right? The world's eyes were always on him. How could they not know him?
These are the most obvious things to understand. That someone would seek fame because they want to be loved. That someone who had been abused and completely denied a childhood would have at least somewhat of an obsession with children and with those years before innocence is lost. How are these things at all shocking to people now? I don't understand it.
Something else that bothers me is that I still hear the interviewers asking whether or not he was gay with this hungry smirk in their voices. In 1987 this was a question that was filled with controversy, but twenty years later being gay isn't such a salacious thing. I hear them saying things like, "The world always wondered if he was even attracted to women." As if it would be such an awful thing if he wasn't? Come on. If you cling so desperately to the idea of him being straight, it's for your own selfish purposes, or so you can keep him in a certain perfectly labeled box in your mind. Everybody thinks they know. You don't. None of us know anything, and it's none of our business.
He never should have had to spend his life so lonely and alone. The entire world had the opportunity to know him, but it seems like everyone got so caught up in the tabloid-fueled slander and just let his flame flicker and die. All they cared about was tearing apart his eccentricities while they simultaneously consumed his art. I know that he does have millions of true fans, real fans, the kind who already know this guy who is captured on Rabbi Shmuley's tapes. I feel anger toward those who judged him so harshly. Again I'm not talking about the allegations, because the fear that this man may have harmed children is still real and justified. In life he may have been angry with those who accused him, but where he is now I'm sure he'd understand the public's fear. So no, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the other things that people get so caught up in. The wild animals, the plastic surgery, the marriages. We are allowed to live our lives, make our choices, have our addictions, get married, and get divorced. Why wasn't he allowed to without every little thing being attacked? Most of us would succumb to drug addiction too if we were subjected to such scrutiny. But even in death people are judging him for that.
Something I've learned from experience and from Michael Jackson is that if you are different, the world will treat you like dirt. They will say awful things to your face and behind your back. They will make you question who you are until you become so bitter and jaded that you lose yourself completely. The journey back from that is to learn to truly accept yourself, and to pretty much flip those haters off and move on with your life. If there was ever a part of me that cared what people thought, and there certainly was, it died on the day that Michael Jackson took his last breath. I have been rejected, I have been judged, I have been told that I am disgusting and ugly and that I don't deserve to live. And I am stronger for it. If you have something beautiful to share, the world will say it's ugly, and the challenge is for you to bring it to life anyway. To put it out there, champion it, and remember that God gave it to you and that the judgmental sections of your audience does not matter one bit.
I think ultimately, that's what the This Is It movie will end up being. Michael's final indulgence in his true calling, his final gift to the world, and the best of who he really was... an artist, a performer, and finally for the people to see and understand, a human being.
As I finished writing this, I had the thought that maybe the reason that I knew this Michael Jackson is because I saw myself in him. After he died, I saw very clearly that the reason I related to him was because I too felt like no one ever understood me. I was content with that, accepting of it... but as I grew up it changed from no one understanding me to people actually persecuting me for being the person that I am. I tried to change to make them happy; created a false self that still operates some of the time when I'm out in the world. It's the sweet me; the safe me. Michael Jackson gave the world that side much of the time, but he was constantly flirting with his darker side in his music and videos, and ultimately with the addictions that ended his life. I used to have a book that opened with a quote from him, something about all of us having deep dark secrets. This was early in his solo career. Late 70s I suppose. Sometimes I think the world would have understood him if only he had dared to share more of those deep dark secrets with us. Other times I think it's the world's fault for being so voraciously critical. The truth is always somewhere in between... But for me, all I can say is I knew him because he was my mirror.
photo credit: LIN HSIN YAO via flickr
I'm surrounded by good people now. I have been for a very long time, but you can be propped up by all the love in the world, and if you don't allow yourself to be supported by it, or even acknowledge that it's there... you will feel all alone. I know I'm not the only one who has isolated myself from the world. I know there are many of you reading this who have been in the same spot, maybe some that still are. There really is a light at the end of it, but nobody can carry you to it no matter how much they love you. You've got to open your eyes, stand up, and move.
I am pushing ahead with my plans to release my first poetry book in 2010. I've put this off for the longest time because I'm a perfectionist. But perfectionism is crippling. There are real people out there who are interested in my work, and it's time that I offer you something more. It's going to be a mammoth collection, comprising the best of the poetry that I've written in the last 15 years, plus maybe some photos and lyrics as well. I don't want it to be just any old poetry book that's good to read but boring to look at. My favorite poetry books are packed with photos and handwritten pages, and I plan to emulate some of that and put my own twist on it.
Following that, I'm committed to releasing my first EP or LP right here before the end of the year, which also will be more than just your average collection of songs. Whether you go with the physical CD or the digital download, I will make sure that you get something special in those liner notes. I know what I like as a consumer of music--I'm always looking for the limited edition, the bonuses... and I expect that even the standard editions will be at least somewhat special! And I promise you'll never get less than that from me.
I've got a lot of things to balance this year, and I'm going to start writing every day about my progress. I've failed to keep myself accountable in recent years, but I know if I let you back into my world 24/7 (remember those days?), I'll be less likely to slip up and waste time. There is a LOT of work to do here. You guys deserve the best and you're not getting it right now. You've stuck with me for a very long time and I owe you my presence here. I miss the connection. I really love getting your comments, emails, and Twitter replies. They keep me going, so keep 'em coming! Stay in touch... and I promise this year to do the same!
Love you guys!
xo Kelley
I forged connections that weren't necessarily new, but ones that needed to be strengthened and made permanent. That goes for both blood family and chosen family. I officially came out of my shell socially, musically, and emotionally. I stopped hiding from who I am, and I stopped running from those who love me as I am.
It took me a long time to get here, but I wouldn't speed that process up for anything in the world. It had to go down exactly as it did. And all the pain, all the loss, it was all worth it to exist in this moment. I'm grateful and I'm understanding of the process now. I won't question that process anymore, and I won't try to convince myself that I'm the one in control. Some things... no, most things... can't be forced. Coaxed? Sure. Coerced? Maybe. But never forced. :)
I'm unfortunately ending the year hearing some third-party comments from a certain family member whose name I won't mention. Some really offensive judgmental sh*t that crosses the line and makes me feel like neither of us ever saw each other in vivid daylight. Because I have respected and even emulated this person. And they see me as a failure, as a human being who is defective because I'm not doing "the normal thing" in any way shape or form (the normal 9 to 5 versus my own business, which by the way has been very successful).
Well kids, listen up. Normal is overrated. Realistic is overrated. I have never done anything the normal way, and yet I somehow always survive, and I always respect myself at the end of the day. I know I'm not the only one with relatives breathing down my back about how I "should" be doing things. We have to resist that. There is more to life than conformity and normalcy. And beyond that, if you have a DREAM, that has to come first. You know in your heart if you're doing the right thing or if you're wasting your time. And you've got to follow what's intrinsically in your heart. That can't be questioned.
I have come to a place in my life where I finally don't care what other people think. Yes it can sting, but I won't change my methods to please any critic. I'm not the perpetually angry artist with a middle finger to the world. Don't ever think that. I'm an optimist and a lover. But I was also a caterer for much of my life--catering to those whose approval I thought I needed more than air and water. It turns out I don't.
I still love those people, judgmental or not, whether or not they have ever attempted to see the real me. I have an unconquerable respect for other human beings, so if I loved you once I love you now. But I don't lay myself down to get kicked time and time again anymore. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt once. Maybe even twice if I'm feeling extra generous.
But lately my love is more of an arms-length type of thing, keeping a safe distance but still extending my heart even if it's sometimes invisibly. I guess that's the true definition of forgiveness. Respecting yourself enough to keep your distance, but loving the other person enough not to hate them for what they have done to you.
Nobody's perfect.
Well, there is plenty to do before our little Christmas Eve get together tomorrow, so I should go. But I hope you have a beautiful holiday... even if it's a little melancholy, even if you're missing somebody... there is beauty in all of that, and if you can find it, you are miles ahead of most of the world. Write about it, sing about it, talk about it with your loved ones. You don't have to be an artist to get those things out. Just speak. Just open up. Here's hoping that none of you are spending the holidays alone, and if you are, then at least think of me. 'Cause I am grateful for YOU. Thank you for all the love and support over so many years. See you in 2010...
xo Kell
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
society's rejection, or outright derision.
Each movement is countered with resistance,
each stroke of good
painted over with bad
until the villain's anger fades into indifference,
and the most persistent painter
swipes over the last bit of graffiti
with his meant-to-be victorious brush.
There is no mark on the instrument;
No plaque to state that this artist is the one.
If a clue exists, it's concealed where human eyes can't see.
Even the untouchable begins so humble,
with the key in his hands but no lock in sight.
We're created specifically
to decode the riddle,
to paint the poem,
to build the song.
It is that complex and that simple.
If we had foresight we'd never need faith.
The days and the breaths would be
taken for granted, and ultimately wasted.
We can see our own crowns if we close our eyes
and open up the honest vision that resides inside our minds.
The understanding that we're all kings and queens
doesn't lessen the special status,
except for the small-minded
and the scarcity-oriented.
It overflows. It never ends. It is within.
You don't chase; you don't strive.
You accept.
You rise.
I've been itching to show you some of my newest lyrics, but knowing that I'll be putting some of these songs up for you in early 2010, I'm finding myself wanting to keep a little bit of the mystery under wraps. I want you to hear them, not read them. But I do want to give you a sneak peek at the titles of the songs that I've written in the last two months. Just some physical evidence of the creativity gods at work! Here they are...
Anymore
Empty and Stealing From Me
Full Circle
Immortal Like You
Karma
Let Me Go
Messiah
Not Who I Have Been
Pause
Pedestal
Sleeping Under the Stars
Strange Escape
Talking Heads
The Will to Thrive
This Time Forever
Ugly/Beautiful
Work of Trickery/Counterfeit Masterpiece
You're No Hero
I've never felt as connected to the creative source as I do right now. My lyrics have veered from their former direction. They're still about growing and healing, but they're also about speaking personal truths and painting my own biographical musical mural...
I have real stories to tell. It's no longer about convincing the world that I am worthy of a chance. (I now know that I am, and I need no permission from anyone. Thank you to the ones who taught me that, in particular Ani and Miriam.) What my art is about now is expression and contributing something to the people who enjoy music.
I'm finding my identity again. And I'm finding so much of the old me in the new me. 2009 began with sadness but it soon brought love and liberation. I'm working on a lot behind the scenes right now, but the target for the beginning of the new Kelley-Online.com, including music, is March 2010. So stay with me.
If you've read this far and you aren't already fully connected, I'd love for you to subscribe to this page via RSS, email, or better yet follow me on Twitter @kelleyonline - I really do love you guys. You've been here a damn long time and I appreciate that so deeply. Your reward for all that patience is coming. Xo
photo credit: Torley via flickr
A poem for the dreamers who know there are no limits to what you can achieve... that your roots go deep and your branches high... and that you are one of the redwoods whose needles touch the sky.
* * *
Skyscraper
Begin at the hidden but unchallenged root
of the infinite cravings and exquisite knowledge,
where the branched origins dig deep into the earth.
Expose the throbbing, thirsting, downward-reaching spines
that traverse through nutrient-rich dirt
and weave through watery underground springs
where mermaids play girlish games and sing.
These regions are your creative source,
but not even close to the origin of origins.
They drink their energy from the core of the planet,
which pulses with life from places we cannot see.
Still, dig as deep as you can. Begin to understand.
Lift your attention to the growth above ground,
conscious of the wooden tendrils that twist above the clouds,
the bold branches and delicate budded tips that touch heaven.
Light the swaying yet so-strong treetop with your mind.
Feel it surge with bass and beats that shake the skies.
Hear the wind whistle through and sing with soaring strings.
Sense laughter in the leaves when fairies flirt with flower kings.
This is where you catch the willing melodies,
where the lyrics tangle themselves in dreamcatchers for you.
They need no trickery, they exist to fall for you
like you once did for the tallest trees with the deepest roots.
What you see now that you couldn't then:
One of those sky-scraping redwoods is you.
P.S. I'm tacking this message onto the very end for those who would read this far... this poem is for the dreamers, those who really understand my vision, whether you've known me since 1981, started reading my work in 2001, or just found your way here today. Length of time does not outweigh passion. If you get me, this is was created for you. I hope you love it as much as I do, and I hope you feel how grateful I am for your presence. xo ~Kelley
Originally posted on Twitter: http://twitter.com/kelleyonline/status/6102405042
I think it would be hard to have a connection with anyone from my generation other than the goddess who is laying next to me in this bed. She cares; things matter. I see such a lack of compassion from other people lately. I wouldn't be motivated to find love again if I lost her.
The only other love of my life is the music. And if it weren't for her that would be my ONLY love. She saved me from permanent solitude.
Today I am grateful for love.
I'm working on a major photo project this winter... I've got boxes of old photos that I want to organize by year and put into photo albums, as well as scanning each picture and backing those up. I've often said that my most cherished possessions are those old photos, and I won't be happy until I've got them safely backed up somewhere. Floods and fires be damned, those photos will be safe! That's not even funny. But for real, when I do that you'll see more old photos popping up on that photostream too.
The photos from Frankenmuth are in there as well, and I think you can tell from the pics that I am really at a happy place in my life right now. Of course we all have our ups and downs, but I've been on a steady uphill climb for a while now, and that is thanks to all the caring people who are a part of my life. My mom and uncle, my girlfriend, Ani and Patrick, my cousins (and I count Lisa's cousins when I say that!), Lisa's parents...
I mean honestly it's hard to believe that I spent so much of my life hiding out from people when I could have just let them get to know me. That was my biggest mistake. Believing that people couldn't love me. Self-doubt is really crippling, and when I realize that's all that stood between me and love, it really blows my mind. Sure I still have my shy days where I just want to stay in and be a hermit (lol), but I am now able to give and receive love. I'm able to have an honest conversation with someone without filtering my responses to what I think they'd like to hear.
Peer abuse or bullying can really mess up a person's head, and it follows you so far through life even when you think you're over it. You remember their judgments and their harsh words and you think people will still be that way. And sometimes they are! But I'm an adult now and I can cut them out of my life in two seconds flat. I can honestly say that I haven't encountered anybody like that since I left school. Learning to let people in and to really let them get to know the real me has been a very long journey. I wish I could say it's over, but I think it'll be a lifelong thing. I'm out of the woods though. And I'm grateful.
Anyway, enjoy the photo gallery! I like how it flicks through the photos. Have fun with it and I'll keep you posted when I add something new...
Kelley-Online.com
About Me
- Singer, songwriter, and poet. Influenced by Michael Jackson, Mariah Carey, Madonna, Janet Jackson, Prince, Whitney Houston... and lately Lady Gaga. Book and debut album coming in 2010. I was a winner of the Christina Aguilera Poetry and Art Contest from Do Something in 2002, was published in the online literary journal andwerve in 2006, and won an essay contest from Strut magazine in 2006. Right now I'm focused on tying up creative loose ends and releasing a steady stream of poems and mp3s here on the blog. If my work resonates with you, please subscribe via RSS, email, IM, or Twitter so we can stay in touch. Thank you for the support!
Upcoming Releases
- I will be featured in Spiritual Visitations, a stories and poetry anthology edited by Heather Froeschl and available through Zumaya Publications (no release date available at this time). An as yet untitled poetry collection, singles, and EPs are also slated to be independently released right here in 2010.
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