I'm writing this from the backseat on the way home, so please forgive any typos...

Today was a lot of fun. Lisa's family always goes to Frankenmuth sometime in November to visit Bronner's, River Place Shops, and Zehnder's. Christmas shopping and time with family... It's a tradition that I love and always look forward to. This year it was especially meaningful because after the sometimes rough year we had, it stood for the fact that no matter what we go through, we can rely on each other and we will get it back on track. The traditions continue. We move forward in time. And that really means something to me. I love this girl and it is worth it to me to humble myself and get things right in this relationship. Today was just another reminder of all we have to be thankful for.

I also got to spend some more time with Lisa's cousins Miriam and Jacob, and I love that. They are gold. Without them, their brother Isaac, and their mom Miriam, there's no way that Lisa and I would ever have gotten back together. They became our safety net, our sounding board, our personal therapists! For real. They saved us and I am so thankful.

Jacob is the musical genius that's finally going to bring my music to you. He's got the talent and the equipment and I am so excited about working with him. I've never been comfortable with collaboration. I'm very shy with my music. But that stems from insecurities, and I've been working those out of my system like toxins out of an atrophied muscle. I mean that. That's how I see it. There's no other way to look at it. And once you start getting your strength back, you aren't so afraid to share that strength and get back out into the world. And that's where I am right now.

Tonight Jacob was playing a melody he wrote on the piano at Zehnder's, and I was thinking it needed to start off slow and soft like he was playing it, but then kick in with a really hard beat and some bass... And I was afraid to say it but I put that out there. And he was like "YEAH!!!" That's the most basic thing, just to put out a suggestion like that, but I have never collaborated in person. I was always afraid to put my creative ideas out there in case they were no good. But it's just not that damn hard. And I do believe that these two perfectionists are the next Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones. Haha... :) Give us time. We've got the same vision and I believe good things will come from it.

Well, we are getting close to home now so I'm going to click send and put my BlackBerry back in my purse. Hope you guys had as good of a day as I did, and I will post pics tomorrow! Xo

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Today I was thinking about all the music artists who release albums with their little cutesy nicknames plastered on as a title. Now I love most of them as artists, love them as people too, but those album titles really rub me the wrong way. All these pseudonyms. The power is already in your own name. If only these artists could step out of their detractors' eyes and realize that they are Mimi, they are Sasha Fierce, they are J Lo, they are Damita Jo. Or better yet that they just are who they are and they don't need to latch onto a different personality to explain it. We all have different sides, but if the music is a big enough part of you that you've made it your life, then it's not just some fragmented piece of your personality. It's YOU. One hundred percent.

I do understand where it comes from, because I know that when it comes to performing, something does take over and it can feel otherworldly. That's a given, because it IS divine. But you can still own it because it's a gift given to you. The uncontrollable force that takes over when you step onstage, that's YOU. And at the same time it's Gods gift to you. Relegating yourself to a lesser version of that in your daily life only disrespects what God has created. You are a masterpiece, and only by living up to that will you ever fulfill that gleaming destiny. I really believe that. And from the smallest self-deprecating jokes to outright giving credit to an alter-ego, these talented souls are giving away their power and their gift.


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It's been too long since I have blogged. So much to say, so much scribbled in notes that need to be finished and polished and posted...

But tonight I needed to immortalize one of my tweets by posting it here (you DO follow me on Twitter @kelleyonline right?). Just to remember how good it feels when someone takes the time to tell you that they enjoy what you do...

From: @kelleyonline
Sent: Nov 11, 2009 7:38a
It's magical to receive a message that says, "I'll be ur fan alwayz." Thank you for that. I will write back personally later! *grateful*
sent via UberTwitter
On Twitter: http://twitter.com/kelleyonline/status/5617494746

...And I did write back personally. That's something I DON'T put off. :)

To all who are craving more poetry, I'm on the case. Music is actually on the horizon now. Thank you to all who support me. I am truly more grateful for you than I can express.
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Today is our 13th anniversary. This relationship has tumbled forward for a decade plus three years, from a beautiful beginning to a couple of bad breakups (and obviously a couple of good reunions!). I'm not a superstitious person, but I was superstitious about making it to this anniversary as a couple. Not because of the fabled unlucky number 13... That had nothing to do with it. My fear was related to the fact that my parents' marriage lasted 13 years, and my relationship with my partner has had its parallels to the relationship that my mother had with my father.

I don't want to go into the personal details of it now... Maybe in the very distant future there will be a time and a place to tell those stories. What I will say is that we have faced a lot of the same situations that my parents did, if not in specifics than definitely in spirit. I always believed that we were supposed to live through that story and change the ending, but sometimes in weaker moments I wondered if we were just doomed to repeat their mistakes.

Early this year I gave up on us, and in the process of that I discovered that we were worth saving. I found out that settling for anything less than her would never ever be okay. I realized at last that other people's opinions really are not worth agonizing over, because few people know and understand us at a soul-deep level... Those who do know us believe as much as we do that we are meant to be together. Not in the fairytale way, but in the real let's-work-this-out way. The way that gets to the bottom of our issues and finally resolves them. And that is so much more satisfying than just pretending everything is perfect.

So here we are 13 years later. We've worked hard to get here and I am now relaxed in it and grateful for it. There will be more work and more soul searching, but it will be worth it because I am with the most passionate and fascinating person I have ever known. And she may not be perfect... But she is perfect for me.

My parents didn't have the information that we have. They didn't have the support system that we have. There are a million reasons that things ended up the way they did, but I never needed to be superstitious about this 13 year milestone. I should have been learning from their experience, not fearing their fate.

My mom always says everything happens for a reason. Maybe one of the reasons they lost their footing as a couple was so that we could know how to keep ours.

(Yes, that title is a reference to Hall & Oates. Let's call it a remix reference since I changed their words a bit.)

I've been so out of touch lately and I need to apologize to my longtime loyal readers... I don't know what's wrong with me lately but I just haven't felt like myself. The days are slipping by far too quickly again, and I haven't felt like writing much. I should have plenty to write about, but I feel exhausted and somewhat depressed under the surface. It's not something overwhelming that permeates everything with sadness. I guess it's just that realization as I approach my 28th birthday that I have wasted a lot of time and a lot of life.

I know it's in my hands to change that now, and that complaining about time wasted only wastes more time. But I am truly remorseful for the slaughtering of years. I am not an ungrateful person. I know what I have been given and I should never have taken any of it for granted.

I'm worn out. I need healing and rest and I don't see that coming anytime soon. I'm going to have to just take off when I need to write. Just jump in the car and find some secluded spot to write the lyrics that can heal me. Nobody's going to hand me health and happiness. I have to grab it for myself.

For years and years I've been dreaming of having the ultimate mobile writing device. Something that I can keep in my purse that lets me write on the go, plus record melodies, take pics, and shoot videos. I thought that was going to be my Asus Eee PC, but that turned out to have its drawbacks. Bad battery life, too small resolution, doesn't play videos well, etc... There were just a lot of reasons that it couldn't be my main mobile device. Now I've only had this BlackBerry Curve 8900 for about a week, but so far it works for everything that I need it for. Writing songs and poems, blogging, reading the feeds, Twitter, and obviously phone and text messaging. I'm already addicted. You'd think I'd be blogging like mad on this thing, but I am still trying to figure out how I want to approach it. I can email the posts, do it directly on the site like I'm doing right now, or maybe find a nice app that does the trick. I thank you guys for all the visits even when I haven't been blogging too much. I'm very active on Twitter so follow me @kelleyonline if you want to stay connected in the meantime. I'll definitely figure out how to go about this and get back to daily blogging this week. Looking forward to it... And thanks again for your neverending support. It keeps me grounded and grateful. You are the reason I do this. Xo!

I'm looking so forward to seeing Precious, surprisingly not because of Mariah Carey, but because it looks like one of the more important films that have come out in this decade. I haven't read the book yet--thinking about reading it before I see the film. What do you guys think, movie first or book first? Pretty sure I'm gonna go with the book. Just caught this article about it in the feeds from Rolling Stone that includes quotes from both Mariah Carey and Oprah Winfrey on their feelings about the book and the film. Here's an excerpt:

Like Winfrey, Patton, Blige and Sidibe, Carey had long been a fan of Push, the original title of the novel, written by Sapphire. “It changed my life and Sapphire knows this,” she said, nodding to the author. “Just being involved in this is just incredible for me. I don’t even know if I could have fathomed how this could turn into a film. After being such a fan of the book, I think I read it twice in a row and it was overpowering."

Carey has one of the most intense scenes in Precious, a probing, revealing interview with Precious and her mother, Mary, played by Mo’Nique. She refers to it as “the answer.”

“My character is not really a likeable person, but she does bring this to the surface. I had to really stay strong as an actor and I had to thank Lee for giving me that chance and letting us really be free with that scene,” she said. “I feel like it was a great chance for me to exercise and me to work and I feel like we connected on such a level. We were crying between scenes. It was emotional for us."

Winfrey added, “When I finished watching that movie, I literally had to breathe. I didn’t cry until the card came up with ‘For Precious Girls Everywhere.’ And that hit a nerve. And I recognized myself in that character. Most of all, I recognized that I have seen the Precious girls of the world and they have been invisible to me."

link: full article

I have a feeling if we looked closer and without any filters, we'd recognize ourselves in more than just one character in this movie. We've all been the victim and the abuser in big and small ways, if not with others, then certainly with ourselves. My goal in life is to heal myself and others with my music, so I have a lot of respect for creative projects like this movie that aim to do the same. I have a feeling this movie will inspire some new music from me too...

photo credit, and for more info on the movie visit: WeAreAllPrecious.com