Another day of killing the procrastination monster. Gotta take it down one hit at a time (to echo what Judy said in her comment on my last post, thank you Judy!). I know that I need to associate pleasure with getting things done, and pain with putting things off, instead of the reverse! There has never been any real pleasure in procrastination no matter what we tell ourselves. Just anxiety, worry, and unnecessary stress. Shouldn't be that difficult to remember that! Damn denial. :-) lol...

There are so many things that I want to accomplish on both personal and professional levels in the coming few years, and I just flat out won't get there if I don't change my ways now!

Fear of success has always been bigger than fear of failure for me. I know that I can reach my personal best, but what I find intimidating is the changes that take place when you do that...

I've spent a lot of life making myself as "normal" as possible to please the people around me. And it didn't please them anyway. Everything I've achieved so far has fallen under the "abnormal" category as far as those people are concerned. Switching to homeschooling for 10th thru 12th grade (waaaay back in the day, haha!). Being in a same sex relationship that's lasted for over 13 years. Owning my own business instead of working for the man. I could keep going with this but you get the point.

Nothing is ever good enough for some people. I will always hear snide comments getting filtered back to me because they are too cowardly to say it to my face. I can say "I don't care," but clearly I do. What I've realized is that I love these people more than they ever loved me.

I'm rambling here. I should go back and edit. But that, right now, would just be more procrastination! Because I've got to get back to work. :) The point I was trying to make is that I've wasted a lot of time trying to make every individual in my life approve of me. The ones who matter already do approve, and without me trying to make it that way. I want to be Kelley again, not this nameless faceless people-pleaser that I've morphed into.

My mom always said "don't rock the boat." I know what my job in this world is. It's to rock the boat.

Today I officially began my war on procrastination. I believe my habit of constantly putting things off stems from the emotional discomfort I feel when I finish something. I have never known how to end things. Beginning things, sure. Planning, I'm an expert. But finishing? The perfectionist in me is never happy with anything, or never completely satisfied, and so nothing I begin ever gets finished.

I also started doing deep breathing exercises, or vital breathing as Tony Robbins calls them. I struggle with having enough energy to get through a day's work, and this is supposed to make a huge difference. (Should help the ol' lungs for singing too!) I know I also need to tackle my sleep issues, and I'm working on that. I take one step back with every step forward though. It's hard.

I know this is going to take a long while to conquer, but when I get these things out of the way I'll be able to take care of the really important things, like saving enough money instead of using it all to pay bills, making music, getting really healthy... All things that are important to me but that I put off over and over again.

I'm committing to daily blog updates here and now, at least through March. If it feels like overkill I'll pull it back to every other day. But really, my writing muscles need the workout, and I just miss talking to you guys. We've got the daily thing going on via Twitter, but I know there are a lot of you who just aren't interested in that, and this right here is and always will be the home base.

Well... I've got a couple more hours of work to do tonight and then I will get those much-needed Zzz's... I hope all of you are taking good care of yourselves, and most of all I hope you're all safe, considering all the earthquakes and storms that are rocking our planet right now. Love you as always, grateful for your support, and working hard behind the scenes on something very special for you...

Xoxo Kelley

Lisa and I have been really into the Olympics this year, especially snowboarding and downhill skiing. I always say I'm going to watch the Olympics and I hardly do--this year I have already spent many hours glued to the set. You guys know how much we love Mariah Carey, and I actually just found out that she gave her song "100%" to the the Team USA Soundtrack. If you haven't heard it yet, click the image to watch the video:



If you buy the song, the ringtone, or the answer tone, part of your purchase goes to support our Olympic athletes. Very cool. Once you get there you can also click the 'share' button to pass the video on to your friends, or add a widget to your Facebook page.

Hope you enjoy.

Edit: Nevermind lovies, I'm removing the survey link from my original post (below)... I've spent some time playing with Tumblr tonight. It's fun and it's a whole different world. Similar to Twitter in the sense that if you're using it right it's endlessly entertaining, but if you use it wrong it can be dull as dirt. I've decided that will be my playground, and this will be my showcase. I'll spend some time with it this weekend before I link to it here... Build it up a little before I share it with you. But my Twitterheads will already have found me... xo and new post coming up in a second!

I keep hearing about Tumblr so I finally surfed on over there tonight to take a quick look. I barely skimmed the surface but it looks pretty cool. I've had my blog on Blogger for many years and I've considered switching to WordPress, but now Tumblr is looking pretty good to me too. This blog is as much yours as it is mine, so I was wondering what's your opinion? Do you use Tumblr and do you think that I should too? Click here [link removed]to let me know with just a couple of quick clicks. You'll also have a chance to enter a comment if you choose to. I really appreciate you taking a couple of seconds to let me know your opinion. Thanks!

I've been such a bad blogger lately. Working hard on stuff behind the scenes... You can catch up with me at www.twitter.com/OfficialKelley or just hang in there a little longer. I'll be doing daily blog updates beginning in March. Xo and I love you all!

I wrote this post about Michael Jackson in the early fall of '09, edited it a bit in October, and then let it languish in my drafts folder until now. Here it is, as it was originally written...

A bunch of us are going to see Michael Jackson's This Is It on October 28th. I started writing this blog post when I was listening to the Michael Jackson tapes on the Today Show and Dateline NBC a few weeks ago, but never posted it... As I'm getting ready to go watch his last official work, it seems like a good time to put these thoughts out there.

On these interviews they kept saying, "This is the Michael Jackson that no one knew." But why? I knew this Michael Jackson. Nothing that I have heard on these tapes has surprised me one bit. Yes, in 2005 with the second round of allegations, I was afraid that I had been lied to for years about who this man was. Absolutely. But anyone who was paying the smallest amount of attention would have had to know him in the way that he is portraying himself on these tapes, right? The world's eyes were always on him. How could they not know him?

These are the most obvious things to understand. That someone would seek fame because they want to be loved. That someone who had been abused and completely denied a childhood would have at least somewhat of an obsession with children and with those years before innocence is lost. How are these things at all shocking to people now? I don't understand it.

Something else that bothers me is that I still hear the interviewers asking whether or not he was gay with this hungry smirk in their voices. In 1987 this was a question that was filled with controversy, but twenty years later being gay isn't such a salacious thing. I hear them saying things like, "The world always wondered if he was even attracted to women." As if it would be such an awful thing if he wasn't? Come on. If you cling so desperately to the idea of him being straight, it's for your own selfish purposes, or so you can keep him in a certain perfectly labeled box in your mind. Everybody thinks they know. You don't. None of us know anything, and it's none of our business.

He never should have had to spend his life so lonely and alone. The entire world had the opportunity to know him, but it seems like everyone got so caught up in the tabloid-fueled slander and just let his flame flicker and die. All they cared about was tearing apart his eccentricities while they simultaneously consumed his art. I know that he does have millions of true fans, real fans, the kind who already know this guy who is captured on Rabbi Shmuley's tapes. I feel anger toward those who judged him so harshly. Again I'm not talking about the allegations, because the fear that this man may have harmed children is still real and justified. In life he may have been angry with those who accused him, but where he is now I'm sure he'd understand the public's fear. So no, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the other things that people get so caught up in. The wild animals, the plastic surgery, the marriages. We are allowed to live our lives, make our choices, have our addictions, get married, and get divorced. Why wasn't he allowed to without every little thing being attacked? Most of us would succumb to drug addiction too if we were subjected to such scrutiny. But even in death people are judging him for that.

Something I've learned from experience and from Michael Jackson is that if you are different, the world will treat you like dirt. They will say awful things to your face and behind your back. They will make you question who you are until you become so bitter and jaded that you lose yourself completely. The journey back from that is to learn to truly accept yourself, and to pretty much flip those haters off and move on with your life. If there was ever a part of me that cared what people thought, and there certainly was, it died on the day that Michael Jackson took his last breath. I have been rejected, I have been judged, I have been told that I am disgusting and ugly and that I don't deserve to live. And I am stronger for it. If you have something beautiful to share, the world will say it's ugly, and the challenge is for you to bring it to life anyway. To put it out there, champion it, and remember that God gave it to you and that the judgmental sections of your audience does not matter one bit.

I think ultimately, that's what the This Is It movie will end up being. Michael's final indulgence in his true calling, his final gift to the world, and the best of who he really was... an artist, a performer, and finally for the people to see and understand, a human being.

As I finished writing this, I had the thought that maybe the reason that I knew this Michael Jackson is because I saw myself in him. After he died, I saw very clearly that the reason I related to him was because I too felt like no one ever understood me. I was content with that, accepting of it... but as I grew up it changed from no one understanding me to people actually persecuting me for being the person that I am. I tried to change to make them happy; created a false self that still operates some of the time when I'm out in the world. It's the sweet me; the safe me. Michael Jackson gave the world that side much of the time, but he was constantly flirting with his darker side in his music and videos, and ultimately with the addictions that ended his life. I used to have a book that opened with a quote from him, something about all of us having deep dark secrets. This was early in his solo career. Late 70s I suppose. Sometimes I think the world would have understood him if only he had dared to share more of those deep dark secrets with us. Other times I think it's the world's fault for being so voraciously critical. The truth is always somewhere in between... But for me, all I can say is I knew him because he was my mirror.

photo credit: LIN HSIN YAO via flickr

2010 has officially begun, and I'm feeling the passage of time as always. I am even more aware of it because I have wasted so much of it, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that everything has unfurled in the way it was meant to.

For those who have been asking (and praying), my mom has been out of the hospital and is doing fine. The doctors believe it was a food allergy and will be doing some more tests to find out for sure. They checked her heart and lungs thoroughly and neither area was the cause of the pain, thank God. Thank you again for your prayers and support! My mom appreciates it and so do I! Happy Holidays!

It's been six  years to the day since my father passed away, and it's also the night before Christmas Eve, a time of reflection and contemplation on what the year has meant and what I've learned. I can confidently say that I made more progress in 2009 than I ever have before.

I forged connections that weren't necessarily new, but ones that needed to be strengthened and made permanent. That goes for both blood family and chosen family. I officially came out of my shell socially, musically, and emotionally. I stopped hiding from who I am, and I stopped running from those who love me as I am.

It took me a long time to get here, but I wouldn't speed that process up for anything in the world. It had to go down exactly as it did. And all the pain, all the loss, it was all worth it to exist in this moment. I'm grateful and I'm understanding of the process now. I won't question that process anymore, and I won't try to convince myself that I'm the one in control. Some things... no, most things... can't be forced. Coaxed? Sure. Coerced? Maybe. But never forced. :)

I'm unfortunately ending the year hearing some third-party comments from a certain family member whose name I won't mention. Some really offensive judgmental sh*t that crosses the line and makes me feel like neither of us ever saw each other in vivid daylight. Because I have respected and even emulated this person. And they see me as a failure, as a human being who is defective because I'm not doing "the normal thing" in any way shape or form (the normal 9 to 5 versus my own business, which by the way has been very successful).

Well kids, listen up. Normal is overrated. Realistic is overrated. I have never done anything the normal way, and yet I somehow always survive, and I always respect myself at the end of the day. I know I'm not the only one with relatives breathing down my back about how I "should" be doing things. We have to resist that. There is more to life than conformity and normalcy. And beyond that, if you have a DREAM, that has to come first. You know in your heart if you're doing the right thing or if you're wasting your time. And you've got to follow what's intrinsically in your heart. That can't be questioned.

I have come to a place in my life where I finally don't care what other people think. Yes it can sting, but I won't change my methods to please any critic. I'm not the perpetually angry artist with a middle finger to the world. Don't ever think that. I'm an optimist and a lover. But I was also a caterer for much of my life--catering to those whose approval I thought I needed more than air and water. It turns out I don't.

I still love those people, judgmental or not, whether or not they have ever attempted to see the real me. I have an unconquerable respect for other human beings, so if I loved you once I love you now. But I don't lay myself down to get kicked time and time again anymore. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt once. Maybe even twice if I'm feeling extra generous.

But lately my love is more of an arms-length type of thing, keeping a safe distance but still extending my heart even if it's sometimes invisibly. I guess that's the true definition of forgiveness. Respecting yourself enough to keep your distance, but loving the other person enough not to hate them for what they have done to you.

Nobody's perfect.

Well, there is plenty to do before our little Christmas Eve get together tomorrow, so I should go. But I hope you have a beautiful holiday... even if it's a little melancholy, even if you're missing somebody... there is beauty in all of that, and if you can find it, you are miles ahead of most of the world. Write about it, sing about it, talk about it with your loved ones. You don't have to be an artist to get those things out. Just speak. Just open up. Here's hoping that none of you are spending the holidays alone, and if you are, then at least think of me. 'Cause I am grateful for YOU. Thank you for all the love and support over so many years. See you in 2010...

xo Kell

I'm now @OfficialKelley on Twitter (I was previously @kelleyonline). If you currently follow me you don't need to change anything. It's all automatic. If you follow via RSS you'll probably need to change the link to my feed, so here's the new one. If you don't do either... then get with the program! ;-) Love you guys. xo

My mom is in the hospital for some tests... Not sure yet if it's anything serious. Prayers and positive energy are deeply appreciated. My mom is the strong one who takes care of everyone else. I have a hard time seeing her in a hospital gown just waiting... Life is so fragile and I never take a moment for granted anymore. I just want her to come home safe and healthier than she was when she left.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Collaborated with Jacob tonight on the melody that I feel strongest about -- "Let Me Go" -- one of many firsts. Can't wait to share with you.

Every message is met with abrasion,
society's rejection, or outright derision.
Each movement is countered with resistance,
each stroke of good
painted over with bad
until the villain's anger fades into indifference,
and the most persistent painter
swipes over the last bit of graffiti
with his meant-to-be victorious brush.

There is no mark on the instrument;
No plaque to state that this artist is the one.
If a clue exists, it's concealed where human eyes can't see.
Even the untouchable begins so humble,
with the key in his hands but no lock in sight.
We're created specifically
to decode the riddle,
to paint the poem,
to build the song.
It is that complex and that simple.
If we had foresight we'd never need faith.
The days and the breaths would be
taken for granted, and ultimately wasted.

We can see our own crowns if we close our eyes
and open up the honest vision that resides inside our minds.
The understanding that we're all kings and queens
doesn't lessen the special status,
except for the small-minded
and the scarcity-oriented.
It overflows. It never ends. It is within.
You don't chase; you don't strive.
You accept.
You rise.

I've written more songs in the last two months than I have in a year. I told you this BlackBerry would be good for me. ;) It's replaced my iPod and I'm listening to more music than ever. This will sound strange to you, but I've been avoiding listening to music for quite a while because it sparks my own ideas and I'm never ready to dive in and write. Now I'm always ready and always inspired. I've got the music, the notepad, the voice recorder, and even a piano app right here at my fingertips.

I've been itching to show you some of my newest lyrics, but knowing that I'll be putting some of these songs up for you in early 2010, I'm finding myself wanting to keep a little bit of the mystery under wraps. I want you to hear them, not read them. But I do want to give you a sneak peek at the titles of the songs that I've written in the last two months. Just some physical evidence of the creativity gods at work! Here they are...

Anymore
Empty and Stealing From Me
Full Circle
Immortal Like You
Karma
Let Me Go
Messiah
Not Who I Have Been
Pause
Pedestal
Sleeping Under the Stars
Strange Escape
Talking Heads
The Will to Thrive
This Time Forever
Ugly/Beautiful
Work of Trickery/Counterfeit Masterpiece
You're No Hero

I've never felt as connected to the creative source as I do right now. My lyrics have veered from their former direction. They're still about growing and healing, but they're also about speaking personal truths and painting my own biographical musical mural...

I have real stories to tell. It's no longer about convincing the world that I am worthy of a chance. (I now know that I am, and I need no permission from anyone. Thank you to the ones who taught me that, in particular Ani and Miriam.) What my art is about now is expression and contributing something to the people who enjoy music.

I'm finding my identity again. And I'm finding so much of the old me in the new me. 2009 began with sadness but it soon brought love and liberation. I'm working on a lot behind the scenes right now, but the target for the beginning of the new Kelley-Online.com, including music, is March 2010. So stay with me.
If you've read this far and you aren't already fully connected, I'd love for you to subscribe to this page via RSS, email, or better yet follow me on Twitter @kelleyonline - I really do love you guys. You've been here a damn long time and I appreciate that so deeply. Your reward for all that patience is coming. Xo

A poem for the dreamers who know there are no limits to what you can achieve... that your roots go deep and your branches high... and that you are one of the redwoods whose needles touch the sky.

* * *

Skyscraper

Begin at the hidden but unchallenged root
of the infinite cravings and exquisite knowledge,
where the branched origins dig deep into the earth.
Expose the throbbing, thirsting, downward-reaching spines
that traverse through nutrient-rich dirt
and weave through watery underground springs
where mermaids play girlish games and sing.
These regions are your creative source,
but not even close to the origin of origins.
They drink their energy from the core of the planet,
which pulses with life from places we cannot see.
Still, dig as deep as you can. Begin to understand.

Lift your attention to the growth above ground,
conscious of the wooden tendrils that twist above the clouds,
the bold branches and delicate budded tips that touch heaven.
Light the swaying yet so-strong treetop with your mind.
Feel it surge with bass and beats that shake the skies.
Hear the wind whistle through and sing with soaring strings.
Sense laughter in the leaves when fairies flirt with flower kings.
This is where you catch the willing melodies,
where the lyrics tangle themselves in dreamcatchers for you.
They need no trickery, they exist to fall for you
like you once did for the tallest trees with the deepest roots.
What you see now that you couldn't then:
One of those sky-scraping redwoods is you.

P.S. I'm tacking this message onto the very end for those who would read this far... this poem is for the dreamers, those who really understand my vision, whether you've known me since 1981, started reading my work in 2001, or just found your way here today. Length of time does not outweigh passion. If you get me, this is was created for you. I hope you love it as much as I do, and I hope you feel how grateful I am for your presence. xo ~Kelley