Kelley Ann Hornyak

Mailing list changes, new website, and new releases!

2011-09-23T12:17:00.000-04:00

Just a few important updates...

NEW MAILING LIST!
I am moving all of my mailing list subscribers to a new system, and if you're a subscriber you will receive an email notification when I do so (if you're not sure, you can sign up here). I haven't been satisfied with the layout and the overwhelming ads on the current system, and I also want to have more control over the updates that you receive. I'd rather send you personally written notes than automatic updates, and I'm sure you'd appreciate that too! In return for all the support you have given me over the years, you deserve that and much more. And it's about damn time that you get it.

NEW WEBSITE!
In early October you will finally get to see the brand new website that I have been working on to replace the current blog, and it will also be at a brand new location on the web, so you don't have to keep pressing refresh on the current website hoping to see it! I'll let you know where it is when the time comes so you can delete your old links and replace them with the new one. I really think you'll love the new look...

NEW RELEASES
Of course all of these changes are really just me gearing up for the main event, which is a series of book releases! Everything is still on track for my first poetry collection, Kinetic Sculpture, to be released between 10/31 and 12/31 in various formats (print standard, print deluxe, Kindle, Nook, iBooks, etc.). Soon after that my first novel (the first in a series!) will also be released. I won't be resting any time soon, and there's still the music coming up somewhere in the midst of all that. I feel like I've been waiting a lifetime to share all of this work with you, and that's because I have. My 30th birthday is coming up on the last day of October and I can't think of a more fitting way to begin the next decade of my life than by finally throwing caution to the wind and putting my books out there for people to read. I hope that I have your support in this venture, and I promise you that I will always put 100% of my heart and soul into every single project.

Thank you, as always, for the support and encouragement that you have given me. Onward to the next chapter...

With gratitude,
Kelley Ann Hornyak

New Twitter username!

2011-09-22T14:09:00.000-04:00

@kelleyhornyak
Kelley Ann Hornyak Changed from @OfficialKelley to @kelleyhornyak -- there's only one Kelley Hornyak in the world, might as well claim my name!
Sep 22 via webFavorite RetweetReply

One Word Answers

2011-08-18T01:37:00.000-04:00

It felt old school to do a survey. This was only going to be for facebook but I thought, what the heck, why not post it on the blog too? It may be the only time in life that I'll ever be concise... lol

* * *

It's not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? attached!

2. Your significant other? miracle

3. Your hair? messy

4. Your mother? loved

5. Your father? missed

6. Your favorite thing? creativity

7. Your dream last night? melancholy

8. Your favorite drink? coffee

9. Your dream/goal? limitless

10. What room you are in? basement

11. Your hobby? reading

12. Your fear? squandering

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? fulfilled

14. Where were you last night? home

15. Something that you are not? concise

16. Muffins? bran!

17. Wish list item? ipad

18. Where you grew up? downriver

19. Last thing you did? worked

20. What are you wearing? shorts

21. Your TV? paused

22. Your pets? spoiled

23. Friends? family

24. Your life? postponed

25. Your mood? indifferent

26. Missing someone? michael

27. Car? ranger

28. Something you're not wearing? makeup

29. Your favorite store? hollister

30. Your favorite color? blue

33. When is the last time you laughed? morning

34. Last time you cried? sunday

35. Who will resend this? nobody

36. One place that I go over and over? God

37. One person who texts me regularly? nobody

38. My favorite place to eat? home

39. My favorite food? sushi

* * *

Feel free to copy and paste your own answers in the comments! If you're reading this I would definitely be interested in your answers. <3

New Lyrics: Call You a Star

2011-08-11T21:14:00.000-04:00

I promised my Twitter followers that I'd post some new lyrics if we surpassed 500 followers, and we did, so here is your thank you! I'm tremendously grateful to anyone who takes the time to check out my work, and since the person reading this is obviously one of them, I would like to extend a very heartfelt thanks to you.

This song is dear to my heart and has one of my favorite melodies of any song that I've ever written. Very simple, almost like a lullaby, though there's a complexity to the structure since there are three full verses and different lyrics in each chorus. There's something about the rhyme scheme and rhythm of the words that I find really soothing.

I think you guys will enjoy the sound of this one when I release my album in 2012. For now, here are the lyrics, and I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. I hope you can find some personal meaning in them as well, because you should know that you are perfect, and that you don't need to wait for anyone else to call you a star. We all are. <3

* * *

Call You a Star
(K. Hornyak)

You wanted to be perfect
Didn't know that you already were
Looking at your enemies' blueprint
Shoulda known they wouldn't
Call you a star (a star, a star)

CHORUS 1:
There won't be applause
Until you let them go
There will be no ovation
Until you give them permission
To call you a star
To call you a star

Happiness turned to hurting
Didn't look like there'd be a cure
Talking like you followed their footsteps
Shoulda known they were less
And you were the star

CHORUS 2:
There won't be awards
Til you show them the door
There will be no achievement
Until you give them permission
To call you a star
To call you a star

INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE

I want you to see you're perfect
And to know that you always were
Paying tribute to the ones long before you
Now it's time to hear them
Call you a star

CHORUS 3:
There will be a legacy
That follows you
You will be their blueprint
And you'll always hear them
Call you a star
Call you a star

In Praise of Pop: Gaga, Chris, & Katy Videos

2011-06-22T20:41:00.003-04:00

It looks like I've been lazy with my posts lately, but I have been working hard behind the scenes on a completely new website that you will see soon (you may be seeing it right now depending on when you read this!). We're watching videos right now and I was excited to see a few that I thought were really great... there was a looooong stretch of time there when I was so disappointed with most of the music videos that were being released even by my favorite artists. Lately everybody keeps saying that it's getting better, and I saw some evidence of that today! Very cool. Here they are, hope you enjoy them as much as I did, and if you want to help support this website and my career, please click the links to buy the songs! :)

buy the edge of glory + support this site!

buy next to you + support this site!

buy last friday night + support this site!

Twitter Love: Perfectionist Workaholic Billionaire

2011-06-16T20:24:00.002-04:00

I never aspired to a full life. I wanted to be a focused perfectionist workaholic billionaire. No wonder I can never seem to balance it all. I'm currently an unfocused perfectionist work-avoidant thousandaire. The one I achieved is the one that prevents the others. #IWillGetThere And in the end, those things that I wanted so badly are secondary to love and family. Go figure. ☺
less than a minute ago via TwitPal Favorite Retweet ReplyKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

Twitter Love: Never Jaded

2011-06-08T22:40:00.000-04:00

Feeling excited about the *present* is a GIFT! ;-) Seriously it's so easy to lose that and get lost in indifference. #NeverJaded is the goal
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

Twitter Love: Oprah's Master Class

2011-06-01T23:19:00.000-04:00

Oprah's Master Class is the best thing on television. I hope you all have OWN @OprahWinfreyNet so you can watch it too. #inspiring
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

Twitter Love: The Masterpiece Will Live

2011-05-24T00:20:00.000-04:00

There is not enough time in the day to tackle all of these dreams and projects. But I'll chip away at it all, and the masterpiece will live.
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

Memories of Gato

2011-05-23T04:01:00.000-04:00

I'm up late, Lisa and Jack have gone to sleep... Well actually she's sleeping next to me but Jack is in his doggie bed on the other side of me on the floor and I can tell he's awake. :-)

But anyway, I was just in the bathroom doing all my bedtime stuff, brushing my teeth and washing my face, putting on moisturizer, etc., and of course if you read my previous blog post you know that my family's cat Gato passed away earlier tonight, so that is foremost on my mind....and I'm doing my bedtime routine much slower than I normally would, just thinking about him and how I feel about him being gone.

My loved ones and I have lost a lot of special people and pets in recent years. It's been difficult to face those times but you do realize who is really there for you and the things that really matter. You realize that life is so precious and often so short.

Gato was a good kid. Or cat. But he was more of a cross between a dog and a kid if you ask me. :-) He was originally a stray, and he was a troublemaker. He liked to roughhouse and scuffle, and it didn't matter that he was declawed (note: I do NOT advocate declawing and if I had it to do over again I wouldn't!). His paws were as soft as little pats of butter but he'd smack you with them like he was the toughest guy in the world. Lisa was definitely his favorite sparring partner. I'd always tell her the two of them had the same spirit. ;-)

Once he got out and was missing for a short time, and we didn't realize he had been bitten severely on his back by another cat. His hair was not very long, but thick, so we didn't see the bite until it was very badly infected. He ended up requiring very expensive surgery and we were afraid for his life. I was so grateful that he made it, and to think he lived maybe six or seven more years after that for a total of thirteen... Well, I wish he had lived even longer than that but I am grateful for every single day.

I think back to the first times I went to see Gato when he was living behind my grampa's house. Like I said, he was a stray. He was good friends with the dog next door and chased him back and forth at the fence. I think he picked up a lot of his "doggish" tendencies from that one. When we'd leave, Gato (at that point I had named him Douglas but that didn't stick) would lay in the driveway like a big shot, watching us drive away like he was too cool to care.

I hoped and prayed that my family would decide to bring him home, and I was so excited when they finally did. He was about six months old according to the vet. I remember having him in my room with the litter box and hoping he'd actually use it! He lived outside for so long I wasn't sure he'd adapt to the indoor life. He definitely did, but he loved sneaking outside whenever he could. Never took too long to chase that fat boy down though. <3 Actually that first night at home was when I started calling him Señor Gato, and from there, Gato just became his name.

It's so hard to believe he's gone. I guess in a way, this was his last time sneaking out. He's probably up there in heaven or wherever the afterlife may be, laying in the grass and sniffing the flowers like he loved to do. I always thought it was so funny that he acted so tough, but he looooved flowers. :-) A softie at heart.

I like to think I handle goodbyes pretty well at this point. I used to be a basketcase over a simple "see you later" but now I have experienced enough real losses to kind of consider myself a pro. I haven't cried yet. I'm deeply sad. I'm heartbroken. My "Cookie Son" (one of my nicknames for him which came from another nickname, "Oreo") is gone. I'll never walk in again and see him and say in that ridiculous voice that I only used for him, "GATO COOKIE SON!!!!" He liked for people to pet him with their feet, so I'd take off my flip flops and say, "Gato cookie son, I got toeeesss for yooouuu!!!!"

And there it is. I'm crying. Not such a pro after all. Thank God. Who wants to be a pro at goodbyes?

I'll miss that kid for as long as I live. Douglas, Señor Gato, Gato, Oreo, Cookie Son, Cat, etc... And whatever other names we knew him by! See you on the other side, kiddo.

Farewell, Gato

2011-05-23T00:10:00.003-04:00

I'm very sad to say that Gato passed away tonight. For those who may not know, he was originally my cat, but he basically became my mom and uncle's cat after I moved out, moved back in, moved out, moved back in, etc. He lived a very full life in his 13 years, eating better food than some people get to eat (shrimp for one thing!), smelling flowers (he loved flowers), eating bugs, sneaking out now and then to scrap with the neighbor cats, and giving all of us a little bit of that badass attitude every chance he got. There will never be another like him, and heaven doesn't know what it's in for now that he's a resident. We'll miss you Gato, a.k.a. Douglas, a.k.a. Cookie Son, a.k.a. fill in your own blank because everybody had their own name for this kid! RIP my little Oreo! <3

Click to view full size image

Some will think this is my last blog post

2011-05-20T14:54:00.000-04:00

To those who believe the world will end tomorrow: I guess you won't be needing your money, cars, houses, jewels, etc., so feel free to transfer them over into my name, I'll take good care of them for you. ;-) I feel especially bad for the kids that are caught up in this judgment day/doomsday fear. I grew up in the last decade of the cold war and feared nuclear bombs, and the thought of that was just totally debilitating. Or I'd imagine death being just nothingness, and I couldn't get my head around that, so that was even worse. I don't fear death anymore though. If so many people I love have faced it, then I can bravely face it too, whenever it comes, though it's hopefully not tomorrow because I have a LOT of living left to do! Religion is scary business, with scary being a major understatement. I've studied and practiced several religions but I keep coming back to my original concept of God. I'd rather teach my kids to be spiritual and to be good people and to treat each other with the most kindness they possibly can. That's MY religion and I'm sticking to it. <3

MP3 of the Week: Love Profusion by Madonna

2011-05-18T18:37:00.000-04:00

Love Profusion by Madonna always makes me feel good, and it's been stuck in my head all day. I do have a love/hate relationship with the American Life album... ranging from loving some tracks and hating others, to loving most parts of songs but really really hating the bridges or that godawful white girl rap! I may have been a Madonna wannabe back in the day but I can't excuse that, no way no how! Haha :-) Anyway this song is one that I love all the way through, and that I feel just has this incredible energy and spirit imbued within it. Listen or buy Love Profusion here (affiliate link), or enjoy the widget below if your ad blockers are turned off.

Bob Lefsetz sees the music industry's present and future the same way I do

2011-05-18T18:24:00.000-04:00

I was nodding my head throughout this entire article, to the point that I wanted to repost it word for word right here on my own blog! I don't feel like a snippet will do this one justice, and it touches on too many things to boil it down to one statement, so I'll just give you the direct link: The Future @ Lefsetz Letter

I won't comment too much on that, because I just agree wholeheartedly.

I think what's not mentioned is that those who love music, which is pretty much everybody, whether it's the public or the industry big wigs, is that there's a nostalgia factor. We listen to and/or write songs to commemorate moments, to tell stories we don't want to forget...

So it's not that big of a question why so many are collectively trying to hold on to the days of analog. Industry fat cats especially cling to this, because analog meant that people got paid. Not necessarily the artists, but that's another topic entirely. I mean their biggest worry back then was that you were going to record songs on cassettes off the radio.

We didn't want to let go of our 8 tracks, our records, our cassettes... we definitely don't want to let go of our CDs, and when you talk about doing away with albums entirely it scares the shit out of people.

But as nostalgic as I am, I look at the future of our industry with excitement. If we embrace it, the experience can be so much more than it ever was. Sharing can be as magic as it was then without the piracy factor. "Hey, listen to this..." You can listen to it "for free" as part of your paid subscription, and the artist still gets paid. Music will be shared freely and listened to anywhere and everywhere... and it won't break the bank of the listener or the artist or even the dreaded record labels.

Realistically I feel like somebody's got to get the monopoly on this though, because I want access to ALL the music I love, and that includes both major acts and independent ones (ahem). I've had a few different subscriptions myself in the last few years but since nobody ever has ALL the music I want, I never stay long. I always return to buying albums or individual tracks, but that's not ideal, and it's beyond inconvenient to keep all that music synced on all my devices.

I see it all coming together. It will take groundbreaking vision and massive action, but I know the public wants this and it would benefit everybody involved. I'm glad the discussion continues, and I hope that I can get my upcoming work to break a little ground too here on our corner of the web...

Twitter Love: Paving the Future

2011-04-28T03:33:00.000-04:00

Worked hard today on a project to pave the future... tomorrow I must return to the grind and remind myself that it's temporary.
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

Michael Jackson in the studio

2011-04-17T18:09:00.000-04:00

courtesy of Michael Jackson Tribute Portrait

MP3 of the Day vs. MP3 of the Week. And the winner is...?

2011-04-13T23:24:00.000-04:00

I was being a bit ambitious with MP3 of the Day... I have an endless parade of songs going through my head every day and my intent was to share them on a daily basis, but you know I'm heavy with the words. I can't keep it short and if I want to break it down like that, I think I should do it on a somewhat weekly basis. There are a million and one other things I'd like to share on a daily basis and I don't want the MP3s to crowd out the rest of my content. Ya dig? ;-)

Twitter Love: #Classy

2011-04-13T23:20:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in the car in a pizzeria parking lot with my freshly showered wet hair in a towel. Glad none of you can see me now! #classyless than a minute ago via SuperPost for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

MP3 of the Week: H.A.T.E.U. by Mariah Carey

2011-04-11T17:36:00.001-04:00

Last night we were driving around in that warm tropical breeze (and I say tropical because it felt like Florida here in Michigan, no joke) listening to Mariah Carey's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel album. When the album first came out I was adamant that it was one of her best, and after many months of not hearing the album and then re-listening, I still stand by that statement. I never agree with the critics (why would ANYONE want to align with somebody who calls themselves a critic?) and I don't care about the sales. The album is pure platinum to me.

Anyway, H.A.T.E.U. was my favorite track from day one though that's a tough decision. The vocals are lush and the music conjures up images of tearful rain and somber wind chimes. I love the line, "We went round for round til we knocked love out, we were laying in the ring not making a sound," and "I sit and press rewind and watch us every night."

For the longest time I thought "laying in the ring" was "laying in the rain" and I imagined a couple after a really knock-down-drag-out verbal fight in the rain, literally lying on the ground in exhaustion, trying to catch their breath and knowing that it's over. I prefer that image, to tell you the truth!

I also thought "I sit and press rewind and watch us every night" was "I sit and press rewind and watch our sad goodbye," which I kind of prefer too.

I may have to use these ideas in a completely unplagiaristic kind of way. ;-)

My favorite part of the song is when she says, "I just wanna hold you, touch you, feel you, be near you, I miss you baby baby baby." It's at the climax of the song and it feels so completely heartfelt. So heartfelt, in fact, that for me, in my own mind this takes me to a whole other place of missing my loved ones who are no longer here. I get chills when I sing that line.

Below you can listen to a clip of the song on Amazon, and buy the full mp3 or the full album. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, any purchases that you make through my site will help finance the future of this blog and of my artistic endeavors from albums to books, so I thank you!

Amazon.com Widgets

Twitter Love: What Matters

2011-04-11T17:16:00.000-04:00

What matters is that we treat our loved ones well and take care of each other. That's what's newsworthy but you'll never see it on TV.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

MP3 of the Week: Side Effects by Mariah Carey

2011-04-10T13:48:00.005-04:00

I've had a song stuck in my head all day that also happens to be one of my favorite songs of all time... Side Effects by Mariah Carey featuring Young Jeezy. This was from her E=MC² album released in 2008. Not only did she finally directly address her tumultuous past with her ex-husband in this song and thereby exorcise those lingering demons, but she did it without making the song heavy and unlistenable, which is a testament to her songwriting prowess.

She performed this once live during the promotion of the album and I really wish it would have been a single with an official video. Click the play button below to listen to a clip, and if you find the song as essential as I do, you can click the Amazon links to buy the individual MP3 track or the entire MP3 album, and I will earn a small commission to help pay for the costs of running Kelley-Online.com. (If you can't see the widget below, you may need to turn off your ad blockers or update Flash.) Enjoy!

Amazon.com Widgets

Video Flashback: Van Halen's Right Now

2011-04-01T18:53:00.002-04:00

We're watching a Van Halen countdown on TV and I was waiting for Right Now to come on... Loved this song when it was out, and watching it just now for the first time in so many years, I had to note that every single statement in the video is just as true "right now" as it was nearly 20 years ago when it was new. And it still makes me want a Crystal Pepsi.

Below you can listen to clips a few different versions of the song (original, remastered, and live) and buy the full mp3s from Amazon. Please note that any music purchases that you make through my blog will help me earn a small commission, thereby helping to support the future of my art, including music, poetry, and more. Thank you, I appreciate your support!

Amazon.com Widgets

Music Storage in the Cloud

2011-03-26T16:42:00.000-04:00

The article I've quoted below from hypebot has me thinking about music storage in the cloud...

→

Google Has Begun Testing Google Music, But Labels Still Have Not Agreed To Additional Use - hypebot
Google has begun testing its cloud music services internally, according to a report by CNet's Greg Sandoval. It's the same music system that we reported hackers had stumbled across a couple of weeks ago. But Google's tests don't mean that launch is imminent. According to our sources, though labels and publishers hope Google will enter the market and compete with iTunes, so far they've been unwilling to offer reasonable terms to license the new service. (via hypebot)

I'm curious to know what the majority of people worldwide really want in terms music services... wondering if we are collectively leaning towards cloud music services or if we still prefer to store our files locally. I know at least some of the people reading this right now are still happy with their physical collection of CDs and vinyl.

Personally I'm all over the map with that, with a decent collection of physical discs plus lots of mp3s that I am backing up in the cloud but not currently playing from the cloud. I want to though. I kind of hate being forced to use iTunes to put music on my iPhone, only because the iTunes interface feels clunky and heavy to me. Pandora has served me pretty well for most musical cravings but now that my 2g phone is more or less unsupported by Apple, I doubt I could even download the latest version. Most of the time I find myself ripping my physical CDs to the computer and listening to them while I work.

None of this is even half as satisfying as it used to be back in the day when I'd just pop a cassette in my walkman or in the car stereo.

I think that cloud music services hold the promise of that ironically old fashioned simplicity. All your music easily accessible from anywhere and everywhere. Imagine being able to hear every single song you have ever purchased on your laptop, on your TV, on your stereo, in your car, on your phone... whenever you want to hear your music, it's there.

I don't care which service makes it happen, but whoever does it the best and takes our music to the most places, while supporting both major label and indie artists at the same time and giving everybody a fair deal, will have my support and my subscription.

How do you feel about it? When I release my album or EP (or when your favorite artist or band releases their next one), are you going to buy the physical CD or vinyl (yes there will be vinyl!), buy the digital album or individual mp3s from iTunes or Amazon, or opt for whatever cloud storage service is winning the music wars at that time? Let me know in the comments below, on twitter, or on facebook.

Photo: Rainy Saturday Love

2011-03-09T00:27:00.000-05:00

(Posting this a little late... trying to remember to post some of my TwitPics here for those of you who are not on Twitter!)

Out on this rainy Saturday afternoon, wearing the makeup my girlfriend got me for Valentine's Day! <3

100 Proof: A Poem about Addiction and Avoidance

2011-02-27T02:16:00.001-05:00

I found this one in my files today, and I don't remember writing it, but it stung me with its authenticity and I decided it was the one I was meant to share tonight. It's very much in line with my thoughts lately too... This poem is not literally about drug addiction or alcohol addiction, though you could certainly look at it that way if you wanted to... It's really about compulsive behaviors that we indulge in order to avoid dealing with the real issues (and often the real joys) in our lives. I hope someone out there can relate to this and maybe find some meaning in it.

100 Proof

Each grab of this substance,
each inhalation, injection,
each sip, each taste,
each take is a cry for help.

It's a pitiful attempt to numb the pain,
or to placate the whiny bitch inside
that won't stop berating me
for neglecting her dreams.

I'm throwing quarters and nickels
at someone to whom I owe
several million dollars.

The more I indulge,
the more I feed the problem
that I'm trying to run from.
Large, looming, it chases me in waking hours.

The only respite I achieve is in dreams.
I can take a breath and exist freely there,
glancing in the mirror to see
that I'm exactly who I ought to be.

Then I wake. I always wake.
And the addiction strangles me.

The naive speck of yesterday;
the child I used to be--
believed she held the reins.
I'd have bet it all
on the fact (in my mind)
that I was the conductor
gripping that baton.

I controlled nothing.
I still control nothing.
I am profoundly out of control.

If becoming an adult
means making those tough decisions
and following through even when it's painful,
what does that say of my avoidance?
What does the avoidance say about me?

Some truths are lies I tell myself.
Others have always been 100 proof reality
and could never be interpreted otherwise.
The fear is where they meet.
The addiction is what they breed.

Today I understand and accept
that the longer I drug myself,
the longer I will hate myself.
The longer I try to disappear into this night,
the longer the sun will try to shine.
It won't go away. I won't die even if I want to.

And if I do die, my guilts and regret
will only spread to those around me.
And I would never, never
want them to become
as damaged, as destroyed,
as I am inside.

Rock bottom has become too comfortable.
I'm pushing off and chasing the pain;
my atrophied muscles burning as I swim,
bloodshot eyes squinting in unfiltered sun.

You'll be there when I break the surface.
You'll tell me I've taken too long.
You'll tell me you can't afford to believe in me again.
But you'll tell me those things whether I stay intoxicated
or whether I straighten out and stay that way.

I still don't hold the reins.
I'll never hold the reins.
But I choose to be lucid.
I choose the pain;
I choose to wake.

New photo

2011-02-26T23:59:00.004-05:00

New pic, this is me tonight relaxing at home. Lady Gaga MAC Viva Glam pink lipstick in full effect! Muah!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-12T00:09:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to wish everybody a really beautiful Valentine's Day weekend! And I do recommend celebrating all weekend, whether you're single or attached! It's all about love, and even if you don't have a significant other, you do have lots of love in your life. Take a moment to appreciate the ones who love you and who you love, including family, including friends, including you loving YOU!

XOXOXOXOXX,
Kelley

Book Title Revealed, Plus Pre-Order Info and More!

2011-01-31T23:52:00.000-05:00

I promised you there would be a surprise on January 31st, and the surprise is two-fold. First, I'm revealing the title of my upcoming book! And the second part of the surprise is one that is personalized just for you... but I'll get to that in a moment.

Let's get to that reveal, shall we?

The name of the book is Kinetic Sculpture. It holds a great deal of meaning for me, and I'll talk more about that as the months go by leading up to its release.

Those that have been following me over the years know that there were other book titles in the works, including Unfiltered, Libra Lace, Fatal Release, Heirloom Crimes, and Wildfire, but as time went by and my body of work grew, those titles no longer fit as perfectly as they once did. They fit pieces of my life, but this collection is representative of the whole journey, and I needed something broader and still just as specific to my vision.

Kinetic Sculpture, to me, feels like an alive, electric, moving immortalization of all of those titles and then some. And after so many years of pouring my life experience into poetic form, I can't think of a better phrase to represent my first official release.

And now for the second part of the surprise...

This is especially for those of you who have been asking me about the book, those who really want to get their hands on it. This is specifically for the real, true fans without whom this blog would not exist...

You can now pre-order Kinetic Sculpture! Your choice of either the Autographed Deluxe Edition for $49.95 (which will come with a bunch of yet to be determined extras and goodies from me, plus extra pages with additional previously unreleased poems and color photos) or the standard version for $29.95.*

If you're hesitant to order without knowing all the details, then just stay tuned. There's no pressure to order now, but the option is there for those who would like to use it.

I'm working on those extras and goodies, as well as the cover design and the final lineup as far as which poems to include. If you've got favorites that you really want in the book, please comment and I'll be sure to include them for you. I won't leave out any poem that you personally request, and that's a promise! I'm going to be including you even more as we get closer to the final product, posting pictures of the design process and getting your input on some of the more important decisions too.

Those who do pre-order the Autographed Deluxe Edition before the official release date will get extras that no one else will ever get! I really want to give something special to the people who have been with me the longest, and the ones who are the most passionate. I value you more than you know, and this book is my gift to you.

Those who do pre-order now can enjoy knowing that their contribution will go directly towards my creative efforts, towards a new laptop for writing and recording music, and new microphones and recording equipment.

If you enjoy what I do, please pre-order, and spread the word. My dream is to be able to do this full time, and to share every step of the journey with you. The more dreamers we can add to our circle, the closer we can get to making that a reality. Thank you for your never-ending support!
Click the image to order the deluxe edition:

...or choose between Deluxe and Standard below.

*The purchase price will be charged to your credit card or debit card immediately. Kinetic Sculpture is expected to be released between 10/31/2011 and 12/31/2011, but no specific release date has been set. If for any reason Kinetic Sculpture has not been released by 12/31/2011, the full amount of your pre-order purchase will be refunded to your credit card or checking account via PayPal.

Eye to Eye: This Love is Greater (poem)

2011-01-24T05:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize what a long stretch had gone by since I posted any poetry. This one was written a couple of months ago and I think it's one of my most honest looks at love, as well as a glimpse into my inner landscape and that of the love of my life.

After nearly fifteen years of figuring it out, I see love a lot differently than I did when we first began, but I'm happy to say that I do not see it through jaded eyes. I equate becoming jaded with growing up, and that's something I will never do.

Love is too beautiful to see it through "realistic" eyes, and it's too eternally youthful to ever let it get old.

I hope you enjoy this poem...

* * *

Eye to Eye: This Love is Greater

I conceptualized a lover.

Someone unselfish, without conditions.

And someone who would put

no limits on love,

no limits on giving,

but sharp limits on the pain

that the outside world

would be allowed

to impose on me.

Someone who would enforce those boundaries,

who would protect me from the frightening things

that I decided were my enemies.

It wouldn't matter if I made sense.

It wouldn't matter if those things

would never really hurt me.

It would only matter that I believed they could,

and you would slay what I saw as dragons

even if they were created in my imagination.

I've come to accept,

grudgingly,

emptily,

that you will not be

that knight for me.

You'll only unsheath your sword

if and when I can prove

that the dragon exists,

that it's after me,

and that the fire it breathes

can really scorch my reality.

It doesn't matter to you

if the flames only singe my dreams.

You believe I should be stronger against these things.

And still I love you.

I respect your groundedness.

I suspect that your reality

is less tangible than my fantasy,

but I believe one day we'll see eye to eye.

I'll understand the laws of the land

and you'll comprehend the power of the mind.

Until then we'll reside in the interim,

in love's shadowy twilight,

somewhere between the lines,

and in those wrinkles etched in time.

You cannot be the vision I gave birth to.

I cannot be the person you'd like me to.

But would you mind if I stayed anyway?

Would you mind if I chose you

above all the others,

even above the fabled hero

who only exists in fairytales?

Because to me, this love is greater.

It is real. It hurts because it's alive.

We argue our positions because we care,

and because we matter to each other.

And we may be so stubborn,

we may guard our opinions

with knives and guns and greed,

with jousts and swords and steeds,

but we're willing to die

for love,

aren't we?

Forgiveness

2011-01-15T21:46:00.002-05:00

People don't have to change in order for you to change, and they don't have to forgive you before you can forgive them.less than a minute ago via At Once - iPhone AppKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

To Break the World Out of Its Spin

2011-01-08T22:23:00.000-05:00

"I need courage and discipline / To break the world out of it's spin / To expose the universe within / To challenge death and begin to live"less than a minute ago via At Once - iPhone AppKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

2011.

2011-01-01T22:00:00.001-05:00

2011. The year I'll turn 30. The year I'll reflect on and say, "That's when my authentic life really began." From here, I'm true to me.less than a minute ago via At Once - iPhone AppKelley Ann Hornyak
OfficialKelley

Imagine if more of us dared to change. My New Years resolutions and plans for 2011!

2010-12-31T17:21:00.002-05:00

I love that the warm rain is washing away the snow on New Year's Eve. My wish for you is that 2011 will wash away regrets of years past and bring you joy! It's in our hands to make this our best year yet... and personally since I will be turning 30 in 2011, I aim to really make this my most spectacular year yet. I hope you will too.

People who say New Years resolutions never last are right only when it comes to their own! If you believe and take action, you can achieve. I'm looking so forward to the things that 2011 has in store... The screenplays, the book, and especially the album... Not a moment of the year will be wasted! And I'm going to be sharing it all with you right here in a bigger way than ever before.

My New Years resolution in a very general sense is to open my spirit to the good things that I have been resistant to! To believe in my dreams and take inspired action towards them daily. Specifically to restore my health and return to a healthy body, mind, and spirit! Small daily changes add up to enormous long term results.

I have very specific resolutions when it comes to this website and to the people who have continued to visit it for so many years. I'll zip my lips here out of respect for the element of surprise, but plan to come back here on January 31st for something brand new that will really make a lot of you very happy. <3

I believe in you and know that your New Years resolutions will bear fruit! If it was meaningful enough to dream it, it's worth making real. Imagine if no one ever dared to change. Then imagine if more of us dared to. Collectively we're somewhere in the middle, but if at least a few of us dream bigger than we ever have before, we can create the world that we have only seen in our dreams.

I believe in this so much. And I believe in you. Happy New Year 2011, and thank you for everything.

Love always,
Kelley

I am thankful for you.

2010-11-24T17:06:00.000-05:00

To my family, friends, and fans, and to the ones that I consider a mix of all three categories...

I am thankful for you.

Soon it will be Thanksgiving... it probably already is by the time you are reading this, or perhaps it has already passed. And I just wanted to take a quick moment to thank you for all that you have been to me.

Some of you have seen me through the roughest patches of my life, supporting me when things seemed hopeless and carrying me to the other side where I could breathe again.

Some of you have shared laughter and good times with me, and those times may be taken for granted by some people, but not by this girl who used to be the outcast. Every time we laugh or hug or have a great talk, I feel like I'm really something special, because you accept me, and maybe even love me. I love you too.

Some of you have seen me only from a distance, reading my poems over the years and waiting for the music to come. To you I am especially appreciative, because through all the long stretches of no blogging and no writing, you have remained at my side. I only hope you know how much I extend the same love and appreciation toward you. You've made it clear that I have your support. Please know that you have mine too.

I hope that this Thanksgiving brings you a moment of pause to reflect on the things that are blessings in your life. It doesn't matter if you live in America or if you celebrate this holiday. Aside from the hotly debated historical significance of the day, it has clearly become a day of thanks all on its own, and I like to encourage that when this time of year comes around.

You and I, we understand the beauty of appreciation. We have all been fortunate, protected, loved... no matter what hard times we have faced in our lifetimes, we have all received an incredible amount of good, and this is yet another time to say thank you for that.

So I thank you. Happy Thanksgiving.

xo xx xo xx
Kelley

Breaking News? Not quite. Protecting Michael Jackson's legacy.

2010-11-11T11:30:00.002-05:00

I'm so deeply bothered by this "Breaking News" track on MichaelJackson.com. I know their agenda is to get us to talk about it and give more publicity to this upcoming album, but to do it deceptively is so anti-Michael. It's all for L.O.V.E.? I guess now that he's gone it's all for M.O.N.E.Y. I shouldn't add fuel to the fire, but I want to express how I feel.

The major labels have always exploited their artists. Always. This is nothing new. But there's no discernable reason for this trickery. A new Michael Jackson song would get enough attention without the "Is it him or isn't it?" controversy.

And where's the question in that anyway? I've been listening to his 40 years of music for almost 30 years of my life, but even if today was the first time I'd heard his voice, I could still tell you that's NOT him.

The most disgusting part of this story is that Sony is toying with fans who are still very much in mourning for an artist and human being that they genuinely loved. This is on the verge of mockery. "Hey, let's see if we can fool the fans, get this to go viral, and rake in the big bucks while they're still at their most vulnerable." Is that really the definition of business nowadays? Call me old fashioned but I'd say that's the definition of bullsh*t.

I'm not even touching on the conspiracy theories here, just talking about basic human decency. Respect for the dead and for the ones left behind to grieve and/or celebrate the life that was lost.

This deceptive marketing is beyond disrespectful to those fans who have given of themselves to receive the music that they love, and in that process have paid for those executives' mansions. Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

To the label, if you want our pre-orders which you have been begging us for in daily emails, try identifying the impersonator who is singing on that track first. Provide some truth about what you're really selling here.

Call it a tribute song, not a new Michael Jackson song. You cannot "complete" his work for him. It will never be complete. The only people on this planet who I would accept completing his unfinished work are his children, and I'm sure there are a lot of fans who wouldn't even accept that.

We want the raw demos. We want what's real. Just because you own it doesn't mean you should tamper with it.

As an artist I'll spell it out for you guys. I would never do something like this to you, my audience. This is one of the reasons (among many) that I no longer count "getting signed" among my goals. It's not completely off the table, because I want to reach as many of you as I can. But I fear it. I want to do it completely solo, and coming from a long line of entrepreneurs, I'm bold enough to believe I can do it.

It's ambitious, with ambitious being a massive understatement, to try to reach the amount of people I want to reach without the publicity that a major label can provide. But I believe we can power this dream with love and word of mouth, and leave the so-called necessary evils out of the equation.

So when I do post those songs of mine, if they resonate with you, it will be in your hands to spread that resonation throughout your world and the people who live in it... Because I don't want to spread a message of healing and hope by pushing it violently through a negative space.

And as much as I'd love to believe that signing a contract would be a magical and wonderful experience that would open up a new world to me, I have seen just the opposite of that happen too many times.

I want to be an instrument of joy, not a corporate puppet.

We reside in a place of power right now because nobody owns my music but me. Nobody else stands to profit if I become a legend and leave that stage too soon. It's up to us to keep it that way.

But anyway, one step at a time. For now let's do what we can to protect Michael's legacy. We'll never wrestle his music from the hands of Sony, but maybe we can persuade them to treat that music with a little more kindness, and to treat the fans with a little more love.

We've got to work out the kinks. The situation is imperfect and the artist is elsewhere, but we've got to roll with it.

Or in other words...

"This is why we rehearse." -MJ

National Safe Schools Day

2010-10-05T17:23:00.001-04:00

October 5th is National Safe Schools Day. Please ask your legislators
to sponsor both the Safe Schools Improvement Act and the Student Non-
Discrimination Act. Thank you.

Amplification of the Past: A Dream of Bullying and Powerlessness

2010-09-23T10:11:00.001-04:00

I had one of those dreams that really shakes you up and makes you feel a little off balance even after you're wide awake. I was being physically attacked by people I used to go to school with, and I was completely unable to defend myself. I could feel the pain of every hit and I couldn't do anything about it.

At first it was just one girl, one who will remain nameless because I'm not about to give any of my former tormentors any fame or notoriety on my blog! Ha. But this girl was one of the tiniest people I've ever known. I'm 5'7" and strong! But I had no defense against her. She was punching me in the gut and knocking me down, and every time I tried to get back up she'd all but demolish me once again.

I should note that the bullying and peer abuse that derailed my real life was mostly verbal and mental abuse; very rarely did anything physical happen and when it did I was able to defend myself much better than I was against the verbal attacks. So this dream wasn't a rehashing of my past... More like a very uncomfortable amplification of it.

After I thought it was over, more girls came to continue beating me up, but this time they were bigger and stronger than me. Just when you think it's over... If that's not a metaphor for life then I don't know what is! I was completely defenseless with ten to twelve girls punching and kicking me every time I tried to stand back up. There was no escape.

All the while, I had been trying to get back to my partner who was waiting for me, so we could have a romantic night together. I had put some serious effort and planning into it, yet I could not get back to the room because those girls would not stop beating me.

Finally I did get away, but they lied and told the principal that I was going to do something illegal (I can't remember what it was) so she wouldn't let me leave. I felt just as trapped and incapacitated as I really felt back in school. When I really remember that feeling in such vivid and painful detail, I wonder how it's possible that I never snapped. I certainly fantasized about causing some damage of my own, of making them feel the pain that they forced into my life on a daily basis... And I'm glad I never did but I honestly don't know how I held all that anger in.

I think the dream represents my ultimate happiness and the feeling that there's always someone on the outside working hard to prevent me from it. The reality is that no one else is doing that to me anymore. Just me. I have continued their cycle of abuse, and nowadays I hold myself down. I don't need an outside oppressor anymore because I took the job myself.

I think undoing that damage will be the most meaningful task of my life.

Poem: You Wanted Me to Feel My Own Joy

2010-09-20T20:37:00.001-04:00

You Wanted Me to Feel My Own Joy

This morning,
returning early
to the wooded trails
I used to walk with you.
The mighty trees still sway,
the autumn leaves still whoosh,
the gravel still crunches underfoot.

I feel more like myself now
than I have in years prior.
I know myself better,
and I see just how shaped
I am by your presence
and absence.

When we first weaved our way
through this maze of nature's artwork,
I was damaged and in denial.
I worked hard to handle
the immense loss
that soaked my
atmosphere.

No one,
not a soul,
heard my pain.

I wailed silently
and mourned stealthily,
with odd rituals
that over time
eased my loneliness.
Crowds and company
couldn't crack this.
I had to fix it from within.

You were steadfast in your wisdom,
having dived headlong into your faith
so many eons ago.
You disliked my vices,
but believed I'd overcome them one day.
You didn't rush me.

Your desire for me to achieve
and to really live was never selfish.
Others wanted to feel their own pride.
You wanted me to feel my own joy.

Now I mourn you,
as you've flown from these trails,
like the snow that melts overnight.
Life's ravaging will never dissipate,
increasing every day,
but I'm now adequately equipped
to take punches that once slayed me.

I am better for having
beaten a path with you,
once in this chaotic lifetime.

Do you want the book released for Christmas?

2010-09-19T00:12:00.002-04:00

I hate to use the word neglectful again in regards to the blog (and to you), but that's exactly what I've been. I think about it daily and I know it just takes a few moments, but you'd be surprised how intimidated I can be by this writing though I've been doing it since 2001. It's stupid and it keeps me from being in touch with you. I really want this to be the official end of that.

I've been planning to finally at long last put my poetry book out for Christmas, but I've avoided blogging for so long that I just don't know how many of you are out there and interested enough to buy it. I feel like I should put more work into building something solid here, or rebuilding it, before I haphazardly shove a book out there into the world. It's all but ready, but the audience isn't. If I'm wrong about this, let me know in the comments or @OfficialKelley on Twitter...

But I really think there are only a few of you listening right now. I appreciate you endlessly and individually, you know that! But we've got to build up our ranks a little bit so we can make things happen here. We'll get there but I cannot do it alone. You guys are the spirit and the force behind it all. If the poems and the music are ever going to reach the world, we've got to do it together. The dream is far from dead, and it's far from being a solo project. Make no mistake, it's US all the way. It's never ever been just about me, and the ultimate objective is YOUR enjoyment, YOUR healing, YOUR fun.

If I hear from more than 20 people who want the book now, I will release it for Christmas. And that's a promise. If not, we've got to push it back a little bit. It's up to you, so let me know if you're out there.

Brand new poem coming on Monday for you guys! And I'm going to get back to blogging 2-3x per week, period. Let's build this! Just stick with me and let me know you're still there. Love you guys always!!! Xo

Mom and I, October 1982

2010-07-11T11:43:00.001-04:00

Pic with my mom after her birthday dinner last night. We had such a good time.

2010-07-11T11:42:00.001-04:00

Happy 12th Birthday Jack!

2010-06-19T14:27:00.000-04:00

To Stand Bare: A poem about real, authentic, naked beauty

2010-06-18T15:29:00.001-04:00

This one's from the archives, but it's new to you... Ironic because I am in fact rockin' the glittered eyelids today even though I'm just sitting at home working. But there's a difference between desperately covering up your perceived flaws and glamming it up because you feel good about yourself. The longer I am in the presence of real love, and surrounded by good people who aren't so superficial, the more I get confident and comfortable with who I am.

I took a lot of emotional damage back in the day, but the wounds that remain are a great catalyst for the writing that must be done... the poems and songs that will make up my official body of work. There's an underlying theme of healing in everything that I do, and it's my ultimate goal to get these messages to the people that need to hear them. Maybe you're one of them.

To Stand Bare

You are moist, dewy, shining like the sun.
Skin clean and free of foundations, powders,
concealers, bronzers... nothing to mask
the essential glow from within.
I noticed this long ago but I feared it.
I didn't have the confidence
to stand bare like you.
You don't swim with the school of fashion,
content in your nonconformity,
clueless as to how beautiful you are.
I admire you, the finished product.
I stand at your door,
wrapped in garments
a little too similar
to all the rest.
My shine is blotted out,
my lips an unnatural hue,
my eyelids glimmer disgustingly.
This is what I'm hiding beneath.

photo credit: David Paul Ohmer via flickr

World Premiere Video: Lady Gaga's Alejandro (and my thoughts!)

2010-06-08T13:46:00.000-04:00

Like everybody else, I'm glued to the computer screen watching the premiere of Lady Gaga's Alejandro video this afternoon... I don't think I've written much here about Gaga, but I've been a hardcore little monster since the 2009 VMA's performance. I had The Fame prior to that and loved it, but I didn't really get bitten until that night. Now I joke about my reverence to her, making the monster claw and showing my teeth when she comes on TV. :-) I bought The Fame Monster deluxe edition with the piece of her hair. Even our dog Jack has a little stuffed lamb toy that we named Lady Baa Baa. She's a flea bitch, baby.

But anyway, I'm writing this post as a quick stab at the meaning of the Alejandro video. I may be adept at crafting my own symbolic word puzzles, but I don't claim to be the genius who can unravel others' work. I'm a big fan of the way that George Romero's movies make a statement about consumerism, but until that was explained to me, I just loved the movies as a study in survival instinct. It's the same with Gaga. I think I get it, and then someone explains it to me, and I love it even more.

Sometimes I love my mistaken meanings even more than the real thing.

Check out the video and then my take on it will follow...

My interpretation of Gaga's new video is this... I see it as being simply broken down into a few words: "Love As War." We all participate in it, choreographed and commanded by Love herself. I see Gaga as representing Love, and the dancers representing us mere mortals who are soldiers for it. We fight for love, pushing for that one coveted heart, but there are always casualties. Alejandro met his fate, and eventually so does Love itself. Sacrificed for its own ideals.

What do you think? Am I way off with that? I'll post again in a few days after I've read some others' interpretations of it.

There's a lot of gender.... I want to say gender bending. Gender blurriness. Gender flipping. I don't know what the proper phrase is, and maybe all of them apply. But it's beautiful, because we live in this time when people are more free to explore their gender identity than ever before, and her art is representing that. This of course ties in perfectly with the Don't Ask, Don't Tell situation too. Soldiers in fishnet stockings and high heels... these are images that need to be seen and thought about. I grew up so uncomfortable with my sexuality. Artists like Gaga are instrumental in making sure that the kids today don't grow up feeling the way that I did. Not that this is necessarily a kid appropriate video...

But then that opens up the whole question of why American kids are exposed to a ridiculous amount of senseless violence, but they're "protected" from even the slightest mention of sex. If you're a parent, you might want to think twice about making sex more forbidden in your child's mind than murder. Just a thought.

Well, duty calls and this soldier of love has to get back out on the battlefield. Please comment below or on Twitter at @OfficialKelley if you agree or disagree with my ideas here! Wondering if you guys got the same things out of it that I did... I'll bet it's even deeper than what I thought, but I'm a child of pop music and I need the meanings spoon fed to me! I have no shame and I'll be a pop puppet until I die! :::makes monster claw::: xo

Lady Gaga on perfectionism

2010-06-06T10:28:00.001-04:00

Just watched Lady Gaga talk about being both satisfied and dissatisfied with her work, and that it's the nature of being an artist... Made me think of my own perfectionism and that I would release much more work if I let it rest in that space of being imperfect. My thoughts over the last few days have been focused on that, and Gaga's words clarified it for me. The perfectionism is crippling.

We Should All Have Compassion: My response to the roar of gossip over Whitney Houston's O2 performance

2010-04-26T16:33:00.001-04:00

I just finished watching the videos of Whitney Houston's performance at the O2 last night, after hearing the rumble across the internet about her voice being "torn to shreds." I read several articles that were unbelievably harsh, and I just have a few things to say.

To those who speak badly of Whitney today... Try being in her shoes in those moments. You'd have crumbled under that pressure. She's been through so much. To even attempt this tour is admirable.

People speak as if she owes them something. If you want your money back, get it back. But don't throw more negative energy at a human being who is trying.

Keep in mind that your favorite "artists" lip sync DAILY. Whitney valiantly TRIED and didn't fake it though she could have.

It's impossible to know whether she's attempted this tour out of the desires of her own heart or for the demands of those who will profit. I'm sure, as with all artists, she's been taken advantage of and money is owed. They're cracking that whip and most of us would just break.

The record label, the promoters, the venue, the audience... It's a lot of pressure on someone who probably isn't prepared for any of it. And sadly, worst of all, most of the people in that arena probably wanted to see her fail. Bought tickets hoping to see a train wreck.

I'm not one of those rabid fans who will fight to the death to defend her. I just saw all these malicious comments and it bothered me. I wouldn't have half the vocal skills I do if it weren't for that woman and the things that she taught me. So I'm going to applaud her even while the world tears her down.

We should all have compassion. That's all I have to say.

Remembering Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes

2010-04-25T22:46:00.002-04:00

"The aftermath is the brightest path so far." -Lisa Lopes

Hope you guys are having a nice Sunday afternoon... I'm chillin with DVR episodes of "Brandy & Ray J: A Family Business" and "What Chilli Wants" on VH1. Guilty pleasure! ☺

Strange to realize Lisa Left Eye Lopes died eight years ago today, on the day I finally sat down to watch these Chilli episodes. I was really taken down by the concert scenes and Lisa's family in that episode. I needed blankets and ice cream. I wanted to curl up and cry.

TLC's first album was very empowering for me in a time when I was otherwise losing myself. I always have Lisa's words in my head. I don't think anyone appreciated her enough while she was here. Her words were ahead of her time. People tripped on the scandal.

I haven't listened to enough of her solo work. One day when I'm in that melancholy space I'm going to lay back and listen.

Rest in peace Left Eye! You are missed.

"Afraid to face the sticks and stones, and now she's searchin' for the grace to carry on." -Lisa Lopes

Missing the key

2010-04-08T19:46:00.002-04:00

I haven't been a very good blogger, have I? So many times I sit down to write, and I just scrap it because it feels inauthentic. I feel like I've been writing through a veil. Maybe my inner censor or my inner critic has me paralyzed.

I'm still planning the work and working the plan, but so much of the puzzle still falls off the table every day. I can focus like a laser but when it comes to balancing things, I don't know how to make it happen.

Last month I was excellent with work and making time for my relationship. This month I'm decent with work but failing miserably at making time for love. And though I've been writing lyrics and poems as always, I haven't made any time to do anything with them.

I get overwhelmed when I should be energized and excited. Why do I do that? How do you guys handle all the things that your lives are comprised of? I consistently feel like I'm missing the key.

Poetry: While She Sleeps

2010-03-24T07:40:00.006-04:00

I present this one with no explanation, and leave it open to interpretation. In a while I'll break it down for you in a new blog post, but before I do... can anybody who has been reading me for a while tell me what this poem is about?

While She Sleeps

I can dance down here among the leaves,
dart in between the sun-scorched blades
some distance from the sea.

She'll never see me.

I can make a haven from sticks and string,
sewn with seashells and cranberries
like jewels on a rich canopy.

Here I dream safely.

Tucked in the brush I am unseen,
while I turn fantasies into master plans
to lead the rest to harmony.

Someone must believe.

I can dance here on the crumpled leaves,
dart in between the broken blades
too close to stormy seas.

And I will succeed
while the giant sleeps.
I'll defy her wishes for me.

photo credit: Dare Darlington via flickr

Putting some heart into it

2010-03-20T23:31:00.002-04:00

I was going through some of my gramma's old cards and letters today, and I had some thoughts. I'm often so bitter about the fact that people just don't care about each other like they used to. The connections that were once so strong have died.
I should note that these are not my connections to mend. But I see everyone growing older and more alone. And it really saddens me.
I may not be able to control that, but it's in my hands to forge those kinds of connections with MY loved ones right now. I can one day raise my kids to care about other people and to keep their own strong connections. To never judge each other and backstab like so many in my family have done.
Having said that... The world has changed, but so have I. "They" are not the only cold and bitter ones. I am cold and bitter too. But I have a vision and a purpose. I have love in my heart and I want things to be better.
Today I put in some elbow grease to make our home feel more like the love nest that it was a little less than a year ago for Lisa and I. I've come a long way with organization, but I can still mess up a house like no other! ;-) So I put some heart into it.
There's a bottle of champagne on ice right now, and in just a little bit we will be relaxing in our clean and candle lit bedroom watching The Twilight Zone! (Which is something that was actually quite instrumental in bringing us back together!) We haven't made time for a night like this in so long.
THIS is what life is about. It's about love. It's got nothing to do with the stress and headaches of trying to live up to someone's expectations. I was raised to value other people's opinions too damn much, and I am exhausted from the endless to-do lists and the pot of gold that's never at the end of these rainbows. I've been chasing nothing. There's no substance in their approval.
Look at what I have here. It's a beautiful thing. A genuine partnership between two souls. So few really have this. To not appreciate it is a crime. And we will still be cherishing this (though in a different home!) when this blog post is fifty years old. I'm calling off the pressure. They can't pressure me unless I allow them to. I hereby submit to the comfy coziness of this night! :-) and I hope you do the same. goodnight!

Rocking the boat some more with a passionate plan

2010-03-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

I've been mapping out a life plan, not just my usual to-do lists that always get shifted forward and pushed around, but a solid passionate plan that will get me where I should have already been. I had some epiphanies in the last couple of months that shifted my perspective. I have been living my life through other people's eyes. Waiting for approval, waiting for permission... I'm an adult. I can give those things to myself.

A few posts ago I mentioned that my mom always told me not to rock the boat, and that I realized that my job here is to rock the boat. I love my mom, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, but I do not want to live her life. She's been everything to everyone. If someone needs something, they know to just call Barb.

She is constantly overextending herself, and exhausting herself in the process. The people that she takes care of never see the dark side of it, but I do. I've been here the whole time, watching her disappear under the weight of everything.

She is happiest when she's free. And so am I.

I was born with giant dreams. I knew from day one what I wanted to do, that it was possible even though people told me it wasn't, and that I would never be happy unless I went after that dream with all my heart. There's no room in that scenario for waiting around for people's permission. That has to end now.

I have coveted my family's approval all my life. I never felt that I fit in. Early on it was implied--just a feeling that I had. Later on it was blatant--not-so-subtle jokes or outright verbal attacks. Currently it's the behind-my-back variety, but it finds its way to my ears anyway.

Here's a tip: If someone's flailing, reach out to them. Don't make fun of them, and don't make them feel even more distant and isolated. Not everybody is as strong as me. I never crumbled under it, but a lot of people would.

I'm getting caught up in it again. To keep it on target, what I'm trying to say is that the people who I have mostly longed to please are the ones who don't waste a moment on me. They don't bother to read this blog though they know where to find it. They don't call me and ask how I'm doing. They connect with me sporadically at weddings and funerals, and that's it. And it hurts. Because I genuinely do love them. And I have wasted so much mental space trying to be what they wanted. And that was so stupid of me.

I've got a million things that I want to achieve. For many years, part of my motivation was to prove them all wrong, and I suppose there will always be a part of me that's stuck on that page. But that's just it. It's ONE page. This life is a book, maybe a whole shelf full of books, and that one page may have a big bright annoying bookmark calling attention to it, but there is so much more to my story than that. I can give myself permission to write the rest of those pages without worrying about the people who aren't going to read them anyway. And if they ever do, then I guess they'll finally know me.

The person who reads all the way down to this very line is the one that I care about. I'm able to connect with you here, or anywhere, because you care. You never fall out of touch for long, because for some damn reason you believe in this dream as much as I do. My focus should be here, in the sunlight, in the happiness. There is so much to celebrate, so much to believe in, and so much to achieve together.

This is a daily, specific, measurable plan to gain total control over my life now that I finally understand that I'm the only one at the wheel. And I'm going to keep in touch and let you guys know exactly what I'm working on and exactly how I'm doing. Thanks as always for the love and support... to the ones who are reading this now, and the ones who will read it much later.We're building an empire of healing here, from the music to the poems to these blog posts, and I can't do it without you.

Love and hugs!!!! xo

Good coffee, cheap pizza, and a great movie

2010-03-15T01:30:00.001-04:00

It was a wonderful Sunday. A day off from work and a night to relax. We picked up some good coffee and a cheap pizza and watched a movie. The original "The Crazies." George Romero is a god among directors.
Smoked my last good cig from a flavored pack that's been discontinued. It was exquisite. (Everything in moderation is my motto, don't emulate my occasional smokes, kids!)
Tonight I feel grateful for quiet evenings with my love. Love may be harder to find in this world now, but it is worth the wait and worth the work. Never settle.
Tomorrow morning I'm back to work, writing articles, doing taxes, shipping packages, doing a couple of favors for family, and most importantly working on my book.
Goodnight loves, and thank you as always for your support and belief in me! If you're out there reading this, give me a shout out in the comments or on twitter at @officialkelley. Sweet dreams!

Torn Sky: A new poem about silent betrayal and conditional love

2010-03-13T17:52:00.003-05:00

Torn Sky

The sky is torn and no one else realizes it.
Contrary to its immortal elegance,
an ill-shapen gash has made its appearance
between the ninth cloud and my residence.

Dirty truth spills from the split seam.
It's clear that nothing is as it's been.

Where summer sun once happily blinded me,
in dimness I now see disfigured beings.
I see the snakelike ugliness behind smiles;
smell the rot of death beneath these lives.

Betrayal tumbles with the acid rain.
No friend or lover will be the same.

The appraisals arrive on the angry wind.
They don't know I've heard; I'm silently singed.
I bathe in the dust, drink the sand, inhale the dusk.
I lose my sleep, surrender my health, rescind my trust.

Damage is lasting for the sky and this child.
The sun will still attempt to kill this cold.

photo credit: h.koppdelane and Waponi via flickr

Tweet from: @OfficialKelley

2010-03-13T02:16:00.002-05:00

Just took a drive with the girlfriend and the dog, got a coffee for me and a hot chocolate for her. It's a spring night out there. Balmy. <3
On Twitter: http://twitter.com/OfficialKelley/status/10405304350

There are a few people in my life who just can't handle me. But life goes on, and so does love.

2010-03-11T21:03:00.001-05:00

I'm not happy with the negative tone I took here in my last post... It's not that there's not a time and place for bitching and whining, but my audience here is the people who support me, not the people who don't. I don't need to explain myself to you guys, and I thank you for that.

I'm genuinely in a good place in my life right now, and I guess that's why it's become so glaring to me that there are a few people in my life who just can't handle me. That's always been a reality for anyone who doesn't conform, and to not expect that would be stupid. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. But life goes on, and so does love.

How am I doing with the procrastination problem? I'm kicking that monster's ass! :-) I got up early today and have been working hard ever since.

I really do have a lot more energy since I started doing these deep breathing exercises. If anyone out there wants to try it, you breathe in for a count of seven, hold for a count of 28, exhale for a count of 14. Then take a deep breath and let it out all the way, and start over. Do it ten times, three times a day. Credit goes to Tony Robbins for that. After three days of this, my lungs feel as strong as they do when I swim every day.

Gotta get back to work. Thanks for your never-ending support as usual, and stay tuned for new poetry coming up tomorrow!

Rocking the boat: The nameless, faceless people-pleaser goes overboard

2010-03-09T21:38:00.003-05:00

Another day of killing the procrastination monster. Gotta take it down one hit at a time (to echo what Judy said in her comment on my last post, thank you Judy!). I know that I need to associate pleasure with getting things done, and pain with putting things off, instead of the reverse! There has never been any real pleasure in procrastination no matter what we tell ourselves. Just anxiety, worry, and unnecessary stress. Shouldn't be that difficult to remember that! Damn denial. :-) lol...

There are so many things that I want to accomplish on both personal and professional levels in the coming few years, and I just flat out won't get there if I don't change my ways now!

Fear of success has always been bigger than fear of failure for me. I know that I can reach my personal best, but what I find intimidating is the changes that take place when you do that...

I've spent a lot of life making myself as "normal" as possible to please the people around me. And it didn't please them anyway. Everything I've achieved so far has fallen under the "abnormal" category as far as those people are concerned. Switching to homeschooling for 10th thru 12th grade (waaaay back in the day, haha!). Being in a same sex relationship that's lasted for over 13 years. Owning my own business instead of working for the man. I could keep going with this but you get the point.

Nothing is ever good enough for some people. I will always hear snide comments getting filtered back to me because they are too cowardly to say it to my face. I can say "I don't care," but clearly I do. What I've realized is that I love these people more than they ever loved me.

I'm rambling here. I should go back and edit. But that, right now, would just be more procrastination! Because I've got to get back to work. :) The point I was trying to make is that I've wasted a lot of time trying to make every individual in my life approve of me. The ones who matter already do approve, and without me trying to make it that way. I want to be Kelley again, not this nameless faceless people-pleaser that I've morphed into.

My mom always said "don't rock the boat." I know what my job in this world is. It's to rock the boat.

The end of the beginnings

2010-03-08T22:33:00.002-05:00

Today I officially began my war on procrastination. I believe my habit of constantly putting things off stems from the emotional discomfort I feel when I finish something. I have never known how to end things. Beginning things, sure. Planning, I'm an expert. But finishing? The perfectionist in me is never happy with anything, or never completely satisfied, and so nothing I begin ever gets finished.

I also started doing deep breathing exercises, or vital breathing as Tony Robbins calls them. I struggle with having enough energy to get through a day's work, and this is supposed to make a huge difference. (Should help the ol' lungs for singing too!) I know I also need to tackle my sleep issues, and I'm working on that. I take one step back with every step forward though. It's hard.

I know this is going to take a long while to conquer, but when I get these things out of the way I'll be able to take care of the really important things, like saving enough money instead of using it all to pay bills, making music, getting really healthy... All things that are important to me but that I put off over and over again.

I'm committing to daily blog updates here and now, at least through March. If it feels like overkill I'll pull it back to every other day. But really, my writing muscles need the workout, and I just miss talking to you guys. We've got the daily thing going on via Twitter, but I know there are a lot of you who just aren't interested in that, and this right here is and always will be the home base.

Well... I've got a couple more hours of work to do tonight and then I will get those much-needed Zzz's... I hope all of you are taking good care of yourselves, and most of all I hope you're all safe, considering all the earthquakes and storms that are rocking our planet right now. Love you as always, grateful for your support, and working hard behind the scenes on something very special for you...

Xoxo Kelley

Winter Olympics Team USA Soundtrack: Mariah Carey's "100%"

2010-02-20T02:20:00.000-05:00

Lisa and I have been really into the Olympics this year, especially snowboarding and downhill skiing. I always say I'm going to watch the Olympics and I hardly do--this year I have already spent many hours glued to the set. You guys know how much we love Mariah Carey, and I actually just found out that she gave her song "100%" to the the Team USA Soundtrack. If you haven't heard it yet, click the image to watch the video:

If you buy the song, the ringtone, or the answer tone, part of your purchase goes to support our Olympic athletes. Very cool. Once you get there you can also click the 'share' button to pass the video on to your friends, or add a widget to your Facebook page.

Hope you enjoy.

Do YOU use Tumblr? Should I switch from Blogger?

2010-02-19T00:11:00.001-05:00

Edit: Nevermind lovies, I'm removing the survey link from my original post (below)... I've spent some time playing with Tumblr tonight. It's fun and it's a whole different world. Similar to Twitter in the sense that if you're using it right it's endlessly entertaining, but if you use it wrong it can be dull as dirt. I've decided that will be my playground, and this will be my showcase. I'll spend some time with it this weekend before I link to it here... Build it up a little before I share it with you. But my Twitterheads will already have found me... xo and new post coming up in a second!

I keep hearing about Tumblr so I finally surfed on over there tonight to take a quick look. I barely skimmed the surface but it looks pretty cool. I've had my blog on Blogger for many years and I've considered switching to WordPress, but now Tumblr is looking pretty good to me too. This blog is as much yours as it is mine, so I was wondering what's your opinion? Do you use Tumblr and do you think that I should too? Click here [link removed]to let me know with just a couple of quick clicks. You'll also have a chance to enter a comment if you choose to. I really appreciate you taking a couple of seconds to let me know your opinion. Thanks!

Thinking of you guys

2010-01-31T22:41:00.001-05:00

I've been such a bad blogger lately. Working hard on stuff behind the scenes... You can catch up with me at www.twitter.com/OfficialKelley or just hang in there a little longer. I'll be doing daily blog updates beginning in March. Xo and I love you all!

I Knew Him Because He Was My Mirror...

2010-01-12T20:55:00.001-05:00

I wrote this post about Michael Jackson in the early fall of '09, edited it a bit in October, and then let it languish in my drafts folder until now. Here it is, as it was originally written...

A bunch of us are going to see Michael Jackson's This Is It on October 28th. I started writing this blog post when I was listening to the Michael Jackson tapes on the Today Show and Dateline NBC a few weeks ago, but never posted it... As I'm getting ready to go watch his last official work, it seems like a good time to put these thoughts out there.

On these interviews they kept saying, "This is the Michael Jackson that no one knew." But why? I knew this Michael Jackson. Nothing that I have heard on these tapes has surprised me one bit. Yes, in 2005 with the second round of allegations, I was afraid that I had been lied to for years about who this man was. Absolutely. But anyone who was paying the smallest amount of attention would have had to know him in the way that he is portraying himself on these tapes, right? The world's eyes were always on him. How could they not know him?

These are the most obvious things to understand. That someone would seek fame because they want to be loved. That someone who had been abused and completely denied a childhood would have at least somewhat of an obsession with children and with those years before innocence is lost. How are these things at all shocking to people now? I don't understand it.

Something else that bothers me is that I still hear the interviewers asking whether or not he was gay with this hungry smirk in their voices. In 1987 this was a question that was filled with controversy, but twenty years later being gay isn't such a salacious thing. I hear them saying things like, "The world always wondered if he was even attracted to women." As if it would be such an awful thing if he wasn't? Come on. If you cling so desperately to the idea of him being straight, it's for your own selfish purposes, or so you can keep him in a certain perfectly labeled box in your mind. Everybody thinks they know. You don't. None of us know anything, and it's none of our business.

He never should have had to spend his life so lonely and alone. The entire world had the opportunity to know him, but it seems like everyone got so caught up in the tabloid-fueled slander and just let his flame flicker and die. All they cared about was tearing apart his eccentricities while they simultaneously consumed his art. I know that he does have millions of true fans, real fans, the kind who already know this guy who is captured on Rabbi Shmuley's tapes. I feel anger toward those who judged him so harshly. Again I'm not talking about the allegations, because the fear that this man may have harmed children is still real and justified. In life he may have been angry with those who accused him, but where he is now I'm sure he'd understand the public's fear. So no, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the other things that people get so caught up in. The wild animals, the plastic surgery, the marriages. We are allowed to live our lives, make our choices, have our addictions, get married, and get divorced. Why wasn't he allowed to without every little thing being attacked? Most of us would succumb to drug addiction too if we were subjected to such scrutiny. But even in death people are judging him for that.

Something I've learned from experience and from Michael Jackson is that if you are different, the world will treat you like dirt. They will say awful things to your face and behind your back. They will make you question who you are until you become so bitter and jaded that you lose yourself completely. The journey back from that is to learn to truly accept yourself, and to pretty much flip those haters off and move on with your life. If there was ever a part of me that cared what people thought, and there certainly was, it died on the day that Michael Jackson took his last breath. I have been rejected, I have been judged, I have been told that I am disgusting and ugly and that I don't deserve to live. And I am stronger for it. If you have something beautiful to share, the world will say it's ugly, and the challenge is for you to bring it to life anyway. To put it out there, champion it, and remember that God gave it to you and that the judgmental sections of your audience does not matter one bit.

I think ultimately, that's what the This Is It movie will end up being. Michael's final indulgence in his true calling, his final gift to the world, and the best of who he really was... an artist, a performer, and finally for the people to see and understand, a human being.

As I finished writing this, I had the thought that maybe the reason that I knew this Michael Jackson is because I saw myself in him. After he died, I saw very clearly that the reason I related to him was because I too felt like no one ever understood me. I was content with that, accepting of it... but as I grew up it changed from no one understanding me to people actually persecuting me for being the person that I am. I tried to change to make them happy; created a false self that still operates some of the time when I'm out in the world. It's the sweet me; the safe me. Michael Jackson gave the world that side much of the time, but he was constantly flirting with his darker side in his music and videos, and ultimately with the addictions that ended his life. I used to have a book that opened with a quote from him, something about all of us having deep dark secrets. This was early in his solo career. Late 70s I suppose. Sometimes I think the world would have understood him if only he had dared to share more of those deep dark secrets with us. Other times I think it's the world's fault for being so voraciously critical. The truth is always somewhere in between... But for me, all I can say is I knew him because he was my mirror.

photo credit: LIN HSIN YAO via flickr

Welcoming 2010... Plans, action, and gratitude

2010-01-03T17:28:00.000-05:00

2010 has officially begun, and I'm feeling the passage of time as always. I am even more aware of it because I have wasted so much of it, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that everything has unfurled in the way it was meant to.

I'm surrounded by good people now. I have been for a very long time, but you can be propped up by all the love in the world, and if you don't allow yourself to be supported by it, or even acknowledge that it's there... you will feel all alone. I know I'm not the only one who has isolated myself from the world. I know there are many of you reading this who have been in the same spot, maybe some that still are. There really is a light at the end of it, but nobody can carry you to it no matter how much they love you. You've got to open your eyes, stand up, and move.

I am pushing ahead with my plans to release my first poetry book in 2010. I've put this off for the longest time because I'm a perfectionist. But perfectionism is crippling. There are real people out there who are interested in my work, and it's time that I offer you something more. It's going to be a mammoth collection, comprising the best of the poetry that I've written in the last 15 years, plus maybe some photos and lyrics as well. I don't want it to be just any old poetry book that's good to read but boring to look at. My favorite poetry books are packed with photos and handwritten pages, and I plan to emulate some of that and put my own twist on it.

Following that, I'm committed to releasing my first EP or LP right here before the end of the year, which also will be more than just your average collection of songs. Whether you go with the physical CD or the digital download, I will make sure that you get something special in those liner notes. I know what I like as a consumer of music--I'm always looking for the limited edition, the bonuses... and I expect that even the standard editions will be at least somewhat special! And I promise you'll never get less than that from me.

I've got a lot of things to balance this year, and I'm going to start writing every day about my progress. I've failed to keep myself accountable in recent years, but I know if I let you back into my world 24/7 (remember those days?), I'll be less likely to slip up and waste time. There is a LOT of work to do here. You guys deserve the best and you're not getting it right now. You've stuck with me for a very long time and I owe you my presence here. I miss the connection. I really love getting your comments, emails, and Twitter replies. They keep me going, so keep 'em coming! Stay in touch... and I promise this year to do the same!

Love you guys!

xo Kelley

And finally an update on my mother...

2009-12-23T20:42:00.000-05:00

For those who have been asking (and praying), my mom has been out of the hospital and is doing fine. The doctors believe it was a food allergy and will be doing some more tests to find out for sure. They checked her heart and lungs thoroughly and neither area was the cause of the pain, thank God. Thank you again for your prayers and support! My mom appreciates it and so do I! Happy Holidays!

Year end thoughts...

2009-12-23T20:07:00.000-05:00

It's been six years to the day since my father passed away, and it's also the night before Christmas Eve, a time of reflection and contemplation on what the year has meant and what I've learned. I can confidently say that I made more progress in 2009 than I ever have before.

I forged connections that weren't necessarily new, but ones that needed to be strengthened and made permanent. That goes for both blood family and chosen family. I officially came out of my shell socially, musically, and emotionally. I stopped hiding from who I am, and I stopped running from those who love me as I am.

It took me a long time to get here, but I wouldn't speed that process up for anything in the world. It had to go down exactly as it did. And all the pain, all the loss, it was all worth it to exist in this moment. I'm grateful and I'm understanding of the process now. I won't question that process anymore, and I won't try to convince myself that I'm the one in control. Some things... no, most things... can't be forced. Coaxed? Sure. Coerced? Maybe. But never forced. :)

I'm unfortunately ending the year hearing some third-party comments from a certain family member whose name I won't mention. Some really offensive judgmental sh*t that crosses the line and makes me feel like neither of us ever saw each other in vivid daylight. Because I have respected and even emulated this person. And they see me as a failure, as a human being who is defective because I'm not doing "the normal thing" in any way shape or form (the normal 9 to 5 versus my own business, which by the way has been very successful).

Well kids, listen up. Normal is overrated. Realistic is overrated. I have never done anything the normal way, and yet I somehow always survive, and I always respect myself at the end of the day. I know I'm not the only one with relatives breathing down my back about how I "should" be doing things. We have to resist that. There is more to life than conformity and normalcy. And beyond that, if you have a DREAM, that has to come first. You know in your heart if you're doing the right thing or if you're wasting your time. And you've got to follow what's intrinsically in your heart. That can't be questioned.

I have come to a place in my life where I finally don't care what other people think. Yes it can sting, but I won't change my methods to please any critic. I'm not the perpetually angry artist with a middle finger to the world. Don't ever think that. I'm an optimist and a lover. But I was also a caterer for much of my life--catering to those whose approval I thought I needed more than air and water. It turns out I don't.

I still love those people, judgmental or not, whether or not they have ever attempted to see the real me. I have an unconquerable respect for other human beings, so if I loved you once I love you now. But I don't lay myself down to get kicked time and time again anymore. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt once. Maybe even twice if I'm feeling extra generous.

But lately my love is more of an arms-length type of thing, keeping a safe distance but still extending my heart even if it's sometimes invisibly. I guess that's the true definition of forgiveness. Respecting yourself enough to keep your distance, but loving the other person enough not to hate them for what they have done to you.

Nobody's perfect.

Well, there is plenty to do before our little Christmas Eve get together tomorrow, so I should go. But I hope you have a beautiful holiday... even if it's a little melancholy, even if you're missing somebody... there is beauty in all of that, and if you can find it, you are miles ahead of most of the world. Write about it, sing about it, talk about it with your loved ones. You don't have to be an artist to get those things out. Just speak. Just open up. Here's hoping that none of you are spending the holidays alone, and if you are, then at least think of me. 'Cause I am grateful for YOU. Thank you for all the love and support over so many years. See you in 2010...

xo Kell

New Twitter Username... @kelleyonline becomes @OfficialKelley

2009-12-23T19:33:00.000-05:00

I'm now @OfficialKelley on Twitter (I was previously @kelleyonline). If you currently follow me you don't need to change anything. It's all automatic. If you follow via RSS you'll probably need to change the link to my feed, so here's the new one. If you don't do either... then get with the program! ;-) Love you guys. xo

Prayers appreciated for my mom...

2009-12-19T22:39:00.002-05:00

My mom is in the hospital for some tests... Not sure yet if it's anything serious. Prayers and positive energy are deeply appreciated. My mom is the strong one who takes care of everyone else. I have a hard time seeing her in a hospital gown just waiting... Life is so fragile and I never take a moment for granted anymore. I just want her to come home safe and healthier than she was when she left.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Let Me Go... Song in progress

2009-12-08T23:02:00.002-05:00

Collaborated with Jacob tonight on the melody that I feel strongest about -- "Let Me Go" -- one of many firsts. Can't wait to share with you.

New poem... The Messengers

2009-12-08T10:40:00.002-05:00

Every message is met with abrasion,
society's rejection, or outright derision.
Each movement is countered with resistance,
each stroke of good
painted over with bad
until the villain's anger fades into indifference,
and the most persistent painter
swipes over the last bit of graffiti
with his meant-to-be victorious brush.

There is no mark on the instrument;
No plaque to state that this artist is the one.
If a clue exists, it's concealed where human eyes can't see.
Even the untouchable begins so humble,
with the key in his hands but no lock in sight.
We're created specifically
to decode the riddle,
to paint the poem,
to build the song.
It is that complex and that simple.
If we had foresight we'd never need faith.
The days and the breaths would be
taken for granted, and ultimately wasted.

We can see our own crowns if we close our eyes
and open up the honest vision that resides inside our minds.
The understanding that we're all kings and queens
doesn't lessen the special status,
except for the small-minded
and the scarcity-oriented.
It overflows. It never ends. It is within.
You don't chase; you don't strive.
You accept.
You rise.

Songwriting in high gear, reflecting on 2009 and forecasting what's next

2009-12-02T10:50:00.004-05:00

I've written more songs in the last two months than I have in a year. I told you this BlackBerry would be good for me. ;) It's replaced my iPod and I'm listening to more music than ever. This will sound strange to you, but I've been avoiding listening to music for quite a while because it sparks my own ideas and I'm never ready to dive in and write. Now I'm always ready and always inspired. I've got the music, the notepad, the voice recorder, and even a piano app right here at my fingertips.

I've been itching to show you some of my newest lyrics, but knowing that I'll be putting some of these songs up for you in early 2010, I'm finding myself wanting to keep a little bit of the mystery under wraps. I want you to hear them, not read them. But I do want to give you a sneak peek at the titles of the songs that I've written in the last two months. Just some physical evidence of the creativity gods at work! Here they are...

Anymore
Empty and Stealing From Me
Full Circle
Immortal Like You
Karma
Let Me Go
Messiah
Not Who I Have Been
Pause
Pedestal
Sleeping Under the Stars
Strange Escape
Talking Heads
The Will to Thrive
This Time Forever
Ugly/Beautiful
Work of Trickery/Counterfeit Masterpiece
You're No Hero

I've never felt as connected to the creative source as I do right now. My lyrics have veered from their former direction. They're still about growing and healing, but they're also about speaking personal truths and painting my own biographical musical mural...

I have real stories to tell. It's no longer about convincing the world that I am worthy of a chance. (I now know that I am, and I need no permission from anyone. Thank you to the ones who taught me that, in particular Ani and Miriam.) What my art is about now is expression and contributing something to the people who enjoy music.

I'm finding my identity again. And I'm finding so much of the old me in the new me. 2009 began with sadness but it soon brought love and liberation. I'm working on a lot behind the scenes right now, but the target for the beginning of the new Kelley-Online.com, including music, is March 2010. So stay with me.
If you've read this far and you aren't already fully connected, I'd love for you to subscribe to this page via RSS, email, or better yet follow me on Twitter @kelleyonline - I really do love you guys. You've been here a damn long time and I appreciate that so deeply. Your reward for all that patience is coming. Xo

Skyscraper... a poem for the dreamers

2009-11-27T22:55:00.000-05:00

photo credit: Torley via flickr

A poem for the dreamers who know there are no limits to what you can achieve... that your roots go deep and your branches high... and that you are one of the redwoods whose needles touch the sky.

* * *

Skyscraper

Begin at the hidden but unchallenged root
of the infinite cravings and exquisite knowledge,
where the branched origins dig deep into the earth.
Expose the throbbing, thirsting, downward-reaching spines
that traverse through nutrient-rich dirt
and weave through watery underground springs
where mermaids play girlish games and sing.
These regions are your creative source,
but not even close to the origin of origins.
They drink their energy from the core of the planet,
which pulses with life from places we cannot see.
Still, dig as deep as you can. Begin to understand.

Lift your attention to the growth above ground,
conscious of the wooden tendrils that twist above the clouds,
the bold branches and delicate budded tips that touch heaven.
Light the swaying yet so-strong treetop with your mind.
Feel it surge with bass and beats that shake the skies.
Hear the wind whistle through and sing with soaring strings.
Sense laughter in the leaves when fairies flirt with flower kings.
This is where you catch the willing melodies,
where the lyrics tangle themselves in dreamcatchers for you.
They need no trickery, they exist to fall for you
like you once did for the tallest trees with the deepest roots.
What you see now that you couldn't then:
One of those sky-scraping redwoods is you.

P.S. I'm tacking this message onto the very end for those who would read this far... this poem is for the dreamers, those who really understand my vision, whether you've known me since 1981, started reading my work in 2001, or just found your way here today. Length of time does not outweigh passion. If you get me, this is was created for you. I hope you love it as much as I do, and I hope you feel how grateful I am for your presence. xo ~Kelley

Thankful for...

2009-11-26T23:56:00.002-05:00

I'm thankful for the half song that came to me while trying to nap earlier... That's gonna be a killer. You will FEEL it when I finish it.
Originally posted on Twitter: http://twitter.com/kelleyonline/status/6102405042

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T11:46:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving... I am thankful for YOU. The little girl who had no one to talk to grew up and now has you. Thanks for the love. Xo!!

Grateful for love

2009-11-21T17:46:00.002-05:00

I'm so happy that I found the love of my life at a young age. I'm too old fashioned to date in today's world. People are too sleazy for me. There's a big difference between being in touch with your sexuality and being obsessed with sex in a shallow way. Too many today are the latter.

I think it would be hard to have a connection with anyone from my generation other than the goddess who is laying next to me in this bed. She cares; things matter. I see such a lack of compassion from other people lately. I wouldn't be motivated to find love again if I lost her.

The only other love of my life is the music. And if it weren't for her that would be my ONLY love. She saved me from permanent solitude.

Today I am grateful for love.

A photo gallery at last! And some more gratitude for loved ones and good times...

2009-11-19T00:08:00.000-05:00

For the longest time I've been planning on putting a Flickr photostream up and sharing it on the blog. It's finally up. If you scroll down just a little bit you should see it on the right. (Some of you may need to update Flash.) It's got everything beginning with this past Halloween, and I'll keep on adding to it as often as I can.

I'm working on a major photo project this winter... I've got boxes of old photos that I want to organize by year and put into photo albums, as well as scanning each picture and backing those up. I've often said that my most cherished possessions are those old photos, and I won't be happy until I've got them safely backed up somewhere. Floods and fires be damned, those photos will be safe! That's not even funny. But for real, when I do that you'll see more old photos popping up on that photostream too.

The photos from Frankenmuth are in there as well, and I think you can tell from the pics that I am really at a happy place in my life right now. Of course we all have our ups and downs, but I've been on a steady uphill climb for a while now, and that is thanks to all the caring people who are a part of my life. My mom and uncle, my girlfriend, Ani and Patrick, my cousins (and I count Lisa's cousins when I say that!), Lisa's parents...

I mean honestly it's hard to believe that I spent so much of my life hiding out from people when I could have just let them get to know me. That was my biggest mistake. Believing that people couldn't love me. Self-doubt is really crippling, and when I realize that's all that stood between me and love, it really blows my mind. Sure I still have my shy days where I just want to stay in and be a hermit (lol), but I am now able to give and receive love. I'm able to have an honest conversation with someone without filtering my responses to what I think they'd like to hear.

Peer abuse or bullying can really mess up a person's head, and it follows you so far through life even when you think you're over it. You remember their judgments and their harsh words and you think people will still be that way. And sometimes they are! But I'm an adult now and I can cut them out of my life in two seconds flat. I can honestly say that I haven't encountered anybody like that since I left school. Learning to let people in and to really let them get to know the real me has been a very long journey. I wish I could say it's over, but I think it'll be a lifelong thing. I'm out of the woods though. And I'm grateful.

Anyway, enjoy the photo gallery! I like how it flicks through the photos. Have fun with it and I'll keep you posted when I add something new...

Frankenmuth

2009-11-14T21:46:00.001-05:00

I'm writing this from the backseat on the way home, so please forgive any typos...
Today was a lot of fun. Lisa's family always goes to Frankenmuth sometime in November to visit Bronner's, River Place Shops, and Zehnder's. Christmas shopping and time with family... It's a tradition that I love and always look forward to. This year it was especially meaningful because after the sometimes rough year we had, it stood for the fact that no matter what we go through, we can rely on each other and we will get it back on track. The traditions continue. We move forward in time. And that really means something to me. I love this girl and it is worth it to me to humble myself and get things right in this relationship. Today was just another reminder of all we have to be thankful for.
I also got to spend some more time with Lisa's cousins Miriam and Jacob, and I love that. They are gold. Without them, their brother Isaac, and their mom Miriam, there's no way that Lisa and I would ever have gotten back together. They became our safety net, our sounding board, our personal therapists! For real. They saved us and I am so thankful.
Jacob is the musical genius that's finally going to bring my music to you. He's got the talent and the equipment and I am so excited about working with him. I've never been comfortable with collaboration. I'm very shy with my music. But that stems from insecurities, and I've been working those out of my system like toxins out of an atrophied muscle. I mean that. That's how I see it. There's no other way to look at it. And once you start getting your strength back, you aren't so afraid to share that strength and get back out into the world. And that's where I am right now.
Tonight Jacob was playing a melody he wrote on the piano at Zehnder's, and I was thinking it needed to start off slow and soft like he was playing it, but then kick in with a really hard beat and some bass... And I was afraid to say it but I put that out there. And he was like "YEAH!!!" That's the most basic thing, just to put out a suggestion like that, but I have never collaborated in person. I was always afraid to put my creative ideas out there in case they were no good. But it's just not that damn hard. And I do believe that these two perfectionists are the next Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones. Haha... :) Give us time. We've got the same vision and I believe good things will come from it.
Well, we are getting close to home now so I'm going to click send and put my BlackBerry back in my purse. Hope you guys had as good of a day as I did, and I will post pics tomorrow! Xo

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Why alter-egos and pseudonyms will never work their way into my album titles

2009-11-13T00:28:00.002-05:00

Today I was thinking about all the music artists who release albums with their little cutesy nicknames plastered on as a title. Now I love most of them as artists, love them as people too, but those album titles really rub me the wrong way. All these pseudonyms. The power is already in your own name. If only these artists could step out of their detractors' eyes and realize that they are Mimi, they are Sasha Fierce, they are J Lo, they are Damita Jo. Or better yet that they just are who they are and they don't need to latch onto a different personality to explain it. We all have different sides, but if the music is a big enough part of you that you've made it your life, then it's not just some fragmented piece of your personality. It's YOU. One hundred percent.

I do understand where it comes from, because I know that when it comes to performing, something does take over and it can feel otherworldly. That's a given, because it IS divine. But you can still own it because it's a gift given to you. The uncontrollable force that takes over when you step onstage, that's YOU. And at the same time it's Gods gift to you. Relegating yourself to a lesser version of that in your daily life only disrespects what God has created. You are a masterpiece, and only by living up to that will you ever fulfill that gleaming destiny. I really believe that. And from the smallest self-deprecating jokes to outright giving credit to an alter-ego, these talented souls are giving away their power and their gift.

"Your Fan Always"

2009-11-11T20:12:00.002-05:00

It's been too long since I have blogged. So much to say, so much scribbled in notes that need to be finished and polished and posted...
But tonight I needed to immortalize one of my tweets by posting it here (you DO follow me on Twitter @kelleyonline right?). Just to remember how good it feels when someone takes the time to tell you that they enjoy what you do...
From: @kelleyonline
Sent: Nov 11, 2009 7:38a
It's magical to receive a message that says, "I'll be ur fan alwayz." Thank you for that. I will write back personally later! *grateful*
sent via UberTwitter
On Twitter: http://twitter.com/kelleyonline/status/5617494746
...And I did write back personally. That's something I DON'T put off. :)
To all who are craving more poetry, I'm on the case. Music is actually on the horizon now. Thank you to all who support me. I am truly more grateful for you than I can express.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I should never have been superstitious about our 13th anniversary

2009-10-26T07:39:00.002-04:00

Today is our 13th anniversary. This relationship has tumbled forward for a decade plus three years, from a beautiful beginning to a couple of bad breakups (and obviously a couple of good reunions!). I'm not a superstitious person, but I was superstitious about making it to this anniversary as a couple. Not because of the fabled unlucky number 13... That had nothing to do with it. My fear was related to the fact that my parents' marriage lasted 13 years, and my relationship with my partner has had its parallels to the relationship that my mother had with my father.

I don't want to go into the personal details of it now... Maybe in the very distant future there will be a time and a place to tell those stories. What I will say is that we have faced a lot of the same situations that my parents did, if not in specifics than definitely in spirit. I always believed that we were supposed to live through that story and change the ending, but sometimes in weaker moments I wondered if we were just doomed to repeat their mistakes.

Early this year I gave up on us, and in the process of that I discovered that we were worth saving. I found out that settling for anything less than her would never ever be okay. I realized at last that other people's opinions really are not worth agonizing over, because few people know and understand us at a soul-deep level... Those who do know us believe as much as we do that we are meant to be together. Not in the fairytale way, but in the real let's-work-this-out way. The way that gets to the bottom of our issues and finally resolves them. And that is so much more satisfying than just pretending everything is perfect.

So here we are 13 years later. We've worked hard to get here and I am now relaxed in it and grateful for it. There will be more work and more soul searching, but it will be worth it because I am with the most passionate and fascinating person I have ever known. And she may not be perfect... But she is perfect for me.

My parents didn't have the information that we have. They didn't have the support system that we have. There are a million reasons that things ended up the way they did, but I never needed to be superstitious about this 13 year milestone. I should have been learning from their experience, not fearing their fate.

My mom always says everything happens for a reason. Maybe one of the reasons they lost their footing as a couple was so that we could know how to keep ours.

I'm Out of Touch, Not Out of Time

2009-10-24T15:00:00.001-04:00

(Yes, that title is a reference to Hall & Oates. Let's call it a remix reference since I changed their words a bit.)

I've been so out of touch lately and I need to apologize to my longtime loyal readers... I don't know what's wrong with me lately but I just haven't felt like myself. The days are slipping by far too quickly again, and I haven't felt like writing much. I should have plenty to write about, but I feel exhausted and somewhat depressed under the surface. It's not something overwhelming that permeates everything with sadness. I guess it's just that realization as I approach my 28th birthday that I have wasted a lot of time and a lot of life.

I know it's in my hands to change that now, and that complaining about time wasted only wastes more time. But I am truly remorseful for the slaughtering of years. I am not an ungrateful person. I know what I have been given and I should never have taken any of it for granted.

I'm worn out. I need healing and rest and I don't see that coming anytime soon. I'm going to have to just take off when I need to write. Just jump in the car and find some secluded spot to write the lyrics that can heal me. Nobody's going to hand me health and happiness. I have to grab it for myself.

Figuring out mobile blogging from my new BlackBerry

2009-10-05T15:46:00.001-04:00

For years and years I've been dreaming of having the ultimate mobile writing device. Something that I can keep in my purse that lets me write on the go, plus record melodies, take pics, and shoot videos. I thought that was going to be my Asus Eee PC, but that turned out to have its drawbacks. Bad battery life, too small resolution, doesn't play videos well, etc... There were just a lot of reasons that it couldn't be my main mobile device. Now I've only had this BlackBerry Curve 8900 for about a week, but so far it works for everything that I need it for. Writing songs and poems, blogging, reading the feeds, Twitter, and obviously phone and text messaging. I'm already addicted. You'd think I'd be blogging like mad on this thing, but I am still trying to figure out how I want to approach it. I can email the posts, do it directly on the site like I'm doing right now, or maybe find a nice app that does the trick. I thank you guys for all the visits even when I haven't been blogging too much. I'm very active on Twitter so follow me @kelleyonline if you want to stay connected in the meantime. I'll definitely figure out how to go about this and get back to daily blogging this week. Looking forward to it... And thanks again for your neverending support. It keeps me grounded and grateful. You are the reason I do this. Xo!

Rolling Stone talks to Mariah and Oprah about the movie Precious

2009-09-18T21:06:00.005-04:00

I'm looking so forward to seeing Precious, surprisingly not because of Mariah Carey, but because it looks like one of the more important films that have come out in this decade. I haven't read the book yet--thinking about reading it before I see the film. What do you guys think, movie first or book first? Pretty sure I'm gonna go with the book. Just caught this article about it in the feeds from Rolling Stone that includes quotes from both Mariah Carey and Oprah Winfrey on their feelings about the book and the film. Here's an excerpt:

Like Winfrey, Patton, Blige and Sidibe, Carey had long been a fan of Push, the original title of the novel, written by Sapphire. “It changed my life and Sapphire knows this,” she said, nodding to the author. “Just being involved in this is just incredible for me. I don’t even know if I could have fathomed how this could turn into a film. After being such a fan of the book, I think I read it twice in a row and it was overpowering."

Carey has one of the most intense scenes in Precious, a probing, revealing interview with Precious and her mother, Mary, played by Mo’Nique. She refers to it as “the answer.”

“My character is not really a likeable person, but she does bring this to the surface. I had to really stay strong as an actor and I had to thank Lee for giving me that chance and letting us really be free with that scene,” she said. “I feel like it was a great chance for me to exercise and me to work and I feel like we connected on such a level. We were crying between scenes. It was emotional for us."

Winfrey added, “When I finished watching that movie, I literally had to breathe. I didn’t cry until the card came up with ‘For Precious Girls Everywhere.’ And that hit a nerve. And I recognized myself in that character. Most of all, I recognized that I have seen the Precious girls of the world and they have been invisible to me."

link: full article

I have a feeling if we looked closer and without any filters, we'd recognize ourselves in more than just one character in this movie. We've all been the victim and the abuser in big and small ways, if not with others, then certainly with ourselves. My goal in life is to heal myself and others with my music, so I have a lot of respect for creative projects like this movie that aim to do the same. I have a feeling this movie will inspire some new music from me too...

photo credit, and for more info on the movie visit: WeAreAllPrecious.com

Were the Kanye West and Lil Mama interruptions at the VMAs just planned publicity stunts that MTV was in on?

2009-09-18T20:59:00.000-04:00

The internet is still abuzz with all this talk of Kanye West this and Lil Mama that, but am I the only one wondering why MTV was asleep at the wheel? Nobody seems to want to point the finger at them, and I don't hear any apologies being issued from MTV. Don't tell me they don't have security up there. And this is not the first time that people have rushed the stage at the VMAs or MTV Movie Awards either. What if some drunk celebrity actually had ill intent when running up there to crash the party, something VIOLENT rather than just something stupid? They see somebody rushing up to the stage who has nothing to do with the artist or project that's receiving the accolade, and they just let it slide to let the controversy happen? Do you think they would let that happen at the Grammys or the American Music Awards? I don't.

But here's a thought: What if the entire thing was planned? These moments are now the most talked about aspect of the VMAs, far overshadowing the awards and the Michael Jackson tributes. Janet Jackson put in WORK to crank out that performance, and yet the apparently spontaneous stupidity has gotten much more airtime. It's gotten MTV, Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Lil Mama, and even Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Alicia Keys, heaps of attention.

It's not too far-fetched to wonder if it was all planned, kind of like the Eminem and Bruno stunt from a few months back at the movie awards. Consider this: How is it that Lil Mama launched right into that b-boy stance at the end of the Jay-Z and Alicia Keys performance at the exact same moment as they did? Was she at rehearsals? Otherwise how did she know? It looked too seamless to be spontaneous.

Planned or not, I really miss the days when people could make the headlines with some really amazing music, rather than something shocking or disturbing or just plain classless. I have always thought of Kanye as a great artist despite his constant flirtations with shock value, but now I've lost respect for that art because he did something that, even drunk, he should have known was way out of line. Getting blasted out of your mind at an awards show, even something as low-key and crazy as the VMAs, was also pretty lame, but had he remained in his seat I could have let that slide in the name of having a good time. I can't deal with stealing someone's moment though, excuse-laden apology or not. (Having said all that, I should explain that I care a little less about the Lil Mama thing because she's not someone who I've ever even remotely followed or even been aware of. I know her name, and that's it. No disrespect to her when I say that, I'm just not familiar with her work.)

Whether it was all in the script or not, I'd really like to see MTV shoulder some of the blame for what went down. I think they owe Taylor Swift an apology just as much as Kanye did. Jay-Z and Alicia will be just fine, they're grown folks and they've faced a lot worse than that. But Taylor's young and that was her first VMA, you know? MTV let it happen and then they rushed the next skit onto the screen before she had a chance to recover and speak. Wouldn't want to waste that precious ad space for the commercials, gotta keep it rolling, right? Ugh. Don't tell me that money is more important than her big moment. Without people like her who create the music, MTV would not exist.

Thoughts? Share 'em in the comments.

Poem: Reliving... about remembering a death instead of a life

2009-09-17T17:37:00.004-04:00

In my September 13th post, I mentioned a poem that I had written about my grandmother's passing and how I experienced it:

"I had to stop replaying those moments. I think it is damaging to replay those moments in your mind so many times. Remembering the good things is wonderful, but to keep feeling your heart sink just like it did when those words first hit your ears? I'm tired of putting my brain through that. Matter of fact I have a poem about this that I wrote after my grandmother passed away. I'll find that and post it this week for you."

As promised, here is that 2004 poem, dug out of the archives just for you:

Reliving

Why do I keep reliving
that morning in my mind?
The ambulance, the waiting room,
saying goodbye to a body, not you.

Feeling a loved one repel my touch,
then embracing another
that I’ve missed so much.

A contrast of death
and life newly born,
vacant faces of nurses,
your clothes trashed and torn.

Bruises, confusion,
together, alone.
One moment a baby,
the next I am grown.

Why is this what’s on tonight,
instead of how we spent your life?

A movie of pain,
I rewind and press play.
Every night.
Every day.

photo credit: boliston via flickr

New Poetry: The Mirror Image of the Wistful Star

2009-09-15T14:36:00.004-04:00

One morning a couple of weeks ago there was a single star in the morning sky--the North Star, I believe--and though that's probably not unusual to see at that time of the morning (a night owl like me wouldn't know!), it was especially striking against a pastel sky with smoky clouds.

I literally froze in my tracks, my flip-flop clad feet feeling the chill of the wet grass, when I looked up and saw it. I had to just stare at it for a while. It's rare that my thoughts grind to a halt, but I was really in awe of something beautiful that I, with my odd sleeping habits, have rarely, if ever, seen.

Later that night looking at the same star, joined by all its little heavenly pals, the thoughts resumed and I knew I wanted to weave them together into a poem about that unforgettable sky view. There are many meanings in this one, woven like a tapestry of words. These are always my favorite kinds of poems to write. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and if you do, let me know...

The Mirror Image of the Wistful Star

A single star hangs in the center
of this morning's rose and lilac sky.
I stand, transfixed, unable to breathe,
struck by its beauty
but even more by its meaning.

The low grey clouds literally curl around it,
looking much like incense smoke
rising in tendrils to a higher place.
There is no one else here to witness this.
I am the mirror image of the wistful star.

Much later, in the absence of daylight,
I stand beneath the celestial sequin.
Though now joined by hundreds more,
it still glimmers more brilliantly
than any other that graces the night.

These bits of heaven can never travel and touch.
No two can ever occupy the same space.
But their candescence cannot be repressed.
Unclouded, they will fill the sky and light the earth.
It is lovely yet lonely work.

Wrapping my worn cloak of reclusion
around chilly shoulders illumined by the moon,
at last I understand that some soul space
can never be joined together with a lover.
But letting the gleam tumble forth unburdened
is the song of love itself.

photo credit: Jun Acullador via flickr

Whitney Houston: What I See

2009-09-15T13:55:00.002-04:00

I haven't listened to Whitney's new album yet though I do have it, nor have I watched her Oprah interview though the first part is waiting for me on the DVR and the second part will be recording later today. But I just watched the video for I Look To You.

While I'm not sure that the song itself is quite worthy of her, though I do think it's beautiful... and the video is simple and classy... What I believe I see in the video is a humble and spiritual woman who knows that she's just the vessel for that voice that could only come from some higher power. I see appreciation and surrender. The excerpts that I've read from Oprah tell me that she understands the meaning of the things she has been through in the last 20 years and that she's grown from it.

Beginning with You Give Good Love, the first single of hers that I was aware of back in 1985, Whitney was one of those in a select group of artists who taught me how to sing. That humble young girl named Whitney with the BIG voice is who I know her as--not as the untouchable Whitney Houston who killed it in The Bodyguard, though she could do no wrong in my eyes at that time either! I watched that movie at least 30 times in the first couple of years after it came out. But anyway, in the last week I have seen both the Madonna I cherish and the Whitney I cherish, and after a summer in which we lost Michael Jackson, these two influences have been a much-needed balm for my soul.

Check out the video below...

MUSIC VIDEO: WHITNEY HOUSTON - “I LOOK TO YOU”

Check out Whitney Houston’s brand new video for her song, “I Look To You”. Her new album (by the same title) is currently sitting at #1 on the Billboard charts. Word is she sold 300,000+ albums the first week.

source: http://concreteloop.com/2009/09/music-video-whitney-houston-i-look-to-you

Oprah to broadcast live from NYC's Central Park Friday, Sept. 18 with guest Mariah Carey

2009-09-15T13:25:00.001-04:00

I'm looking forward to this almost as much as I'm looking forward to the album being released. Mariah on Oprah is always an EVENT. Few things in life are truly an event, but this definitely is! Two icons raining a little inspiration down on the rest of us, what more can you ask for?? :) Cannot wait.

photo credit: mariahdaily.com

OPRAH TO BROADCAST LIVE FROM NYC's CENTRAL PARK FRIDAY, SEPT. 18 WITH GUEST MARIAH CAREY

'The Oprah Winfrey Show' will broadcast LIVE from New York's Central Park on Friday, September 18. A crowd of ticketed audience members is expected to join Oprah and special guests for the hour-long live broadcast from Central Park's SummerStage at Rumsey Playfield. International superstar Mariah Carey, the top-selling female recording artist in history, will perform a song from her new album Memoirs of an imperfect Angel (in stores Sept. 29th) and also open up about everything from music to married life during an exclusive interview with Oprah.

The broadcast will begin promptly at 10:00 a.m. ET on Friday, September 18, rain or shine, and will air in New York at its regularly scheduled time, 4:00 p.m. ET on WABC. More information is available at http://www.oprah.com/audience

The all-new, one-hour episode 'The Oprah Winfrey Show: Oprah Fridays - LIVE from New York' will air nationally on Friday, September 18. Check local listings for air times.

full article: http://www.mariahcarey.com/news/news.php?uid=2576

Creative constraints can make you more creative

2009-09-15T13:01:00.001-04:00

One of today's Lifehacker articles (see excerpt below and the link to the full article) has me thinking about certain limits and how they actually make you better. As one of the most long-winded people in history (peep those last few blog posts and you won't disagree), I can vouch for the fact that creative constraints can actually make you more creative.
That 140-character limit on Twitter has taught me to say much more in a much smaller space.
The need for lyrics to be simpler and more down-to-earth than the words of a poem has taught me to find the beauty in everyday phrases, and find more creative ways to use them.

The idea of my first release possibly being an EP instead of a full album has me thinking hard about which songs are really the absolute best and most representative of me, and in the last couple of months it's also pushed me to write better songs than I ever have before.
Having said that, I always love the longest albums from the most verbose artists... and I am addicted to the written word, and I do like it in massive doses. As usual I'm a study in contrasts. In love with both the compact nature of Twitter and the unfurling pages of a lengthy blog post.
Here's that excerpt if you like it short, or click the link at the bottom for the full article with all the juicy info about Beck and his Record Club project, and how that 24 hour project led to something original and spontaneous rather than heavily crafted and perfected...

The joys of creative constraints

Why does Flickr's video service allow for only 90 seconds of footage? Cynically, you could assume it's to save on bandwidth and storage costs, but Flickr says otherwise: It's actually about emphasizing original, condensed, in-the-moment content rather than super-awesome World of Warcraft screengrabs. Spending time randomly clicking around Flickr's video pools is scads more tolerable than randomly browsing YouTube's user clips, which, aside from the occasional bit of brilliance, mostly serve as primers on the pitfalls of poor lighting and sound and having a huge amount of time to talk about popular music feuds.
Writer of things creative and productive Merlin Mann provides examples for, and neatly sums up, how creative constraints can paradoxically free you. In the case of so many Big Serious Projects (or BSPs, for this post's sake), setting up a personal constraint scheme—12 songs in one day, 140 characters or less, 20 minutes of no-distraction coding before lunch every day—is simply a way to trick a big part of your brain into thinking that your BSP isn't actually that big, or serious.
full article via Lifehacker: How Weekend Projects Can Free Your Inner Rockstar

Mariah Carey: Memoirs of 2 Imperfect Angels

2009-09-14T20:27:00.006-04:00

How amazing is this? Mariah Carey has recreated her first album cover. She's done others recently too, but this one really blew me away. This album cover holds so much meaning for me. It's a snapshot in time, that original introduction to Mariah Carey. Back then I was trying to pull off the perfect imitation of her outfit in the Someday video, and trying to perfectly emulate her vocals from I Don't Wanna Cry. I didn't know what an overarching influence she'd be on me lyrically and vocally; didn't know how much strength I would find in the personal difficulties that she has overcome.

source: mariahdaily.com

Almost every year brings another album... Another snapshot in her life and in ours... Something to gauge the years by... A different soundtrack for each era of our lives. Her albums and her career arc in general has always seemed to go parallel to the story of my life, or at least I've always thought so. Her first two albums, Mariah Carey and Emotions, are almost one distinct era for me because they were released almost back to back. Fun bubbly up-tempos, beautiful ballads... she was just the cool girl who could sing. Who didn't want to be her?

By the time Music Box was released, she was married and entering that very romanticized yet apparently very controlled phase of her career. I too was living a false life, trying to be someone I wasn't whenever people's eyes were on me. When Merry Christmas came out, I was isolating myself completely, spending Christmas alone at home with the dog (I miss you Mitzi), decorating a little tree and singing Miss You Most at Christmastime to myself. Those were lonely times.

When Daydream hit the airwaves I was a little more grown up, finally letting myself have some fun, shaking off the past and all it had done to me, and the first single and video, Fantasy, reflected that. When I hear that song, I remember watching the video premiere, going to carnivals, dancing at weddings... Good times when I was beginning to be a little more independent. Butterfly represented her break from the control of her ex-husband, and for me it represented my breaking away from the false self I had created. I was in my first relationship, I was living life on my own terms, and I was beginning to accept myself as I was instead of constantly trying to be someone else.

Rainbow came at age 18, the year directly following my glittery phase (everything glittered, literally--eyelids, lips, cheeks, hair--I was trying to express all the sparkle that I had repressed, but in hindsight it was a bit much!) and defiant to everyone and everything. And there was Mariah, proclaiming her independence yet again on that album cover. Straight-on pose defying what they told her about only taking photos from her "good side," hair pushed back off her supposedly "too big" forehead... All the things that they told her to imbue her with insecurities had been washed away, and I was empowered by that.

Lisa and I headed down to Chicago on a spur of the moment trip to meet her at Virgin Megastore. It was an adventure. We were too young to get a hotel room and didn't know it, so when we got down there late at night and couldn't find a place to stay, we had to be resourceful. We asked around everywhere. Even tried the YMCA. Finally we told our woeful tale (lol) to a valet parking attendant, and he sympathetically called someone that he knew at a nearby hotel. We went in, mentioned his name, and were checked in without them asking for ID. The room cost everything that we had... the number $233 sticks in my head, pretty sure that was it... so my uncle had to call the hotel the next day and fax their credit card info over to pay for the next night. (He always bails me out!)

The next morning we waited from 4AM to 11PM to meet her, met wonderful fans who brought coffee and blankets for everyone (it was freezing), and then finally met the diva herself. She was down to earth and sweet. We made eye contact and held it through the entire conversation even when she was signing my CD. The woman is an expert at signing without looking down. We said "hi" to each other back and forth for at least 30 seconds, I swear. We were both clearly exhausted yet in an amped up state at the same time. She said, "I like your shirt. Where did you find that?" It had butterflies encircling a heart, with one breaking free from the circle to find its own path. I told her I'd had it forever but that I wore it because I thought she might like it. Then we rehashed the repeated greeting by doing a repeated goodbye--"Thank you," I said. "Thank you," she said. And I think we did that a few times. Seriously. lol...

As awkward as it sounds, it wasn't at all. It felt like meeting a kindred spirit. Yes, I was the kid with a dream who hadn't worked for it at all, and she was the woman who had worked her ass off 100 percent to get where she was. But I knew that as artists we viewed the events in our lives in a similar way, and since there were no other artists in my life, that was really the first time that I had connected, even remotely, with someone who was like me. (I hope I don't sound conceited to say that Mariah Carey is like me--you know I don't mean it that way.) But I walked away feeling a lot more human and a lot more normal, because I knew there was one other person in the world who I could relate to.

Continuing the chain of albums... I'll respectfully skip Glitter, but the album is a S.G.S.H.W. (if you don't know what that is, I know you're not a lamb!) no matter what you have to say about the movie. :) Charmbracelet was her dipping her toes back into the water after the single less-than-stellar release in her career. Some people hate on this album because she used falsetto so heavily on it, but I love that part of her voice and I'm happy to have a whispery, ethereal, soft sounding album from someone who is naturally a powerhouse vocally. We went down to Chicago again, this time with no hopes to meet her, but she was doing a fan party in a secluded club downtown, and we thought we could stand outside and catch a glimpse of her. We were down there, chilling in the hotel room, and just about to leave to go stand outside the joint--literally walking out the door--when I got an email saying we were on the list. That's an OMG moment if there ever was one!

So we went down there and chilled out with the fans for a while before Mariah got there, having some hors d'oeuvres and enjoying the amazing atmosphere. Mariah got there with Da Brat who is always fun (she was at the Chicago stop of the Rainbow tour too, which we had gone to a couple years prior). At the time I was running a mailing list for Mariah fans, and I brought her a bundle of letters from them in rainbow colored envelopes, tied together with a stuffed Hello Kitty on top. This time I was able to speak! I told her how much I loved her and how important her music had been in my life. I got a couple of autographs from her, one that says "To Kelley--Love, Mariah" and one that says, "I love you--Love, Mariah." Then we went to sit down and listen to the album for the first time. Hearing My Saving Grace was extremely emotional--to hear that for the first time with her in the room? That song still gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes when I sing it even today. I'm not even beginning to express how incredible that night was! There are no words for it.

Then of course there's The Emancipation of Mimi and E=MC² era, when she finally reclaimed her throne. This girl's never NOT been on top of the world, no one can outsell her. So I'm not sure why people counted her out just because of one bad movie, or because she decided to become more playful with her sensuality and sexuality. The world is always so accepting of a man who is overtly sexual, but so uncomfortable with a female expressing her sensuality. But whatever. She just kept on going, kept on being herself. From my perspective, these two albums were when she started to be more visual with her lyrics, really taking it to the next level and writing songs that the whole world could relate to rather than just the artsy dreamers like me. :) What I've heard of Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel really continues that and kicks it up a few decibels. As for how this one applies to my life? She's found love, and I've rediscovered it. I've learned how to receive love, but also how to give it. And I have a reason to be grateful and joyful again.

I think I'm going to wrap this up by saying that Mariah Carey finally found true love, hopefully for keeps, by being herself. She continued to be "eternally 12" as she says, continued to be a kid, continued to be playful and sensual and coquettish, continued to laugh and have fun... all the things that people put her down for, but the things that are so naturally her. Her husband, Nick Cannon, is the same way. He's a kid at heart, yet a massively successful entertainer. They both achieved their success by being themselves. The world will constantly try and break you, and even those who love you will tell you to change. But I think the ultimate success is found when you embrace the person that you've always been. Nurture that person, take care of that person, and celebrate that person.

So, I'm waxing poetic on this singer/songwriter who I freaking ADORE, because that new album is coming out in just a little over a week, and I am in total Mariah mode. I need to get in total Kelley mode and get my OWN album out to you in 2010, but this release is just going to inspire me more to do just that. I'm excited to inject a little more of my personality into the blog, and I'm throwing up as much of my real personality as I can right now, because I'm tired of trying to be the stuffy boring poet! Gotta get back to my stuffy WORK right now, but stay tuned for more good stuff--hopefully shorter stuff!--tomorrow. Thanks for hanging in there through this post! Goodnight! xo

Janet Jackson's new song / gift to the fans: "Make Me"

2009-09-14T17:10:00.000-04:00

Last night Janet Jackson tweeted this:

"Thank u for ur endless love n support! I hope u guys enjoyed us tonight. It was very special for me n I have a very special gift for all of u"

That gift is a new song, Make Me. Is an internet b-side? A cut that didn't make the album? Who knows. I'm thinking of it as a direct-to-fans single. And it's GOOD. Sweet sounding up-tempo that makes you want to dance. And you know that's what she does best. I can't wait for the new album. Get the new song here.

My 2009 MTV VMAs Retrospective

2009-09-14T00:51:00.002-04:00

Here comes my personal recap of the evening as perceived from my perch in front of the TV. I'm bolding celeb names so you can skip to the ones you're interested in if you like...

So VMA night rolls around yet again, and I'm still in Michigan watching it on TV, wishing I was there. (The clock is ticking. Somebody ::cough cough:: needs to work harder at her music.) Except if I had been there, I would have stormed the stage during Kanye West's drunken rant and tackled him to the ground. Taylor Swift had much more class than I could have mustered up if I were in her situation. So maybe everyone was better off without me there this time. Ha :) Except Taylor Swift. She'd have been better off with me there. Because I would have thrown down for her. And I'm not even a big fan. I think the whole world is angry on her behalf tonight. Doing crazy things to get attention is nothing new, but when you steal someone else's big moment, you are an a**hole. Period. He crossed the line tonight. That's taking it way too far.

**EDIT: After I wrote that, Beyonce closed the show by giving her stage time to Taylor Swift so she could redo that ill-fated acceptance speech. That was a beautiful gesture. Beyonce and Madonna both stole my heart tonight. I think I'm in love. <3 ... Kanye is permanently kicked out of the bed, but Madonna and Beyonce can come cuddle up anytime. In the virtual bedroom of my iPod, that is. Sorry superstars, I'm taken. :)

Speaking of the material girl, I know you're waiting for my comments on Madonna and Janet Jackson's tributes to Michael Jackson! :) But I'm going to hit all the rest before I even touch that. I know I've got four or five heavy paragraphs cooking in the kitchen, and I don't want you to gorge yourselves on that when I can give you the appetizers first--the light, fluffy, short, sweet (and not-so-sweet) comments on other artists! So let's wind our way through those before we talk about the reigning Queens of Pop paying tribute to their fallen King, shall we?

OK, first things first. Lady GaGa. The whole blood thing had me captivated. I hate the sight of blood, and I actually have an irrational fear of performers being shot on stage (I worry about that at every damn concert that I go to), so you'd think I'd react differently to that, but nope! I thought it was brilliant. I don't know what her concept is with the "Fame Kills" tour, I'm not a die-hard fan that would know those kinds of details (though I do love her album). But you know, she's singing the song Paparazzi, and you think about the paparazzi chasing Princess Diana to her death, you think about Elvis Presley succumbing to the pressures of fame you think about the price of fame and the hand it may have played in Michael Jackson's ultimate demise... and there Lady GaGa is, suddenly bleeding to death at the end of her song, being devoured by the masses and strung up like a piece of morbid art. I know a lot of people really despise her for her crazy antics, but I have respect for anybody who can captivate the world's attention like that. Love it or hate it, you're paying attention. I think she's fascinating.

Who else killed it onstage, albeit in a much less violent way? Beyonce. That girl puts every damn ounce of passion into her performances. I have never seen anything lacklustre from her. She had a million dancers onstage with her, but she didn't even need one. She's a powerhouse. I think the ballads on her album are the true gems, but when she kicks it into high gear like that onstage, you can see why she's gotta have those numbers that are so frantic and hectic that they make your heart beat too fast! She's undeniably one of the biggest talents we've got.

Jay-Z and Alicia Keys were wonderful of course. I love the way she sounds on that track. And can I please have those pants??? Those were show stoppers. Pink was awesome as usual, but she scared the hell out of me with that trapeze act! I like my favorite performers to stay safely on the ground! No elements of danger are needed on stage, thank you very much! Ha :) I was happy to see Eminem get an award, representing for Detroit as always. Gotta root for the kid from The D even if I'm only a casual listener of his work, 'cause I am a kid from The D myself. :)

Happy that they respectfully remembered DJ AM for a sec. I don't know much about him myself but he seemed like a good guy that left us too soon. Katy Perry was adorable as usual. Where'd she get those cupie doll eyes and why didn't God give me some when I was being manufactured? :) I think she was the only one not checking Twitter from her seat, because when everybody else was looking down at their Blackberry or iPhone, she was looking up at the stage and having fun. My kinda girl. Though I'd probably have been tweeting a bit too. I admit it. 2009 is the year of the tweet. Can't fight it.

That trailer for Twilight: New Moon definitely looked good, but um... what does that have to do with music and music videos? Why does MTV have such a love affair with things non-music???? The money is in the teens' pockets, and the teens love Twilight, so MTV kisses their asses to get them to tune in. VMA night is the one night of the year when MTV is supposed to be about music. Think about that and realize how messed up that is, and then throw in the Twilight stuff on top of it. GOD I MISS THE MTV OF THE 80s. Come back to us. I know you're still living and breathing out there somewhere. We miss you, MTV.

Finally (here we go), the aspect of tonight's VMAs that I was most looking forward to was Janet Jackson's tribute performance, but it wasn't quite what I had in mind. Major respect to her for even being able to get up there and perform a virtual duet with her brother, but if I'd been in the driver's seat for that, I'd have conceptualized a medley of her personal favorite Michael songs, mostly mid-tempos and ballads, with huge screens showing videos of him over the years, and with Janet's personal touch on everything. I've seen Janet live in concert five times, twice from the 2nd row (and YES I'm bragging when I say that, you SHOULD be jealous if you haven't, there is no one better to see live! lol). But what I'm trying to say is that Janet's everyday performances are stronger and more meaningful than that performance felt to me. I absolutely hate to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm not. She didn't have to give us ANYTHING tonight. She didn't ever have to share a single breath of a tribute with us, but she did. I am thankful, and I adore this woman, and that's why I know that wasn't even one tenth of what she is capable of, even in the midst of this loss. And I would have loved to see her pull out all the stops for her brother. I'm sure eventually she will. Tonight just wasn't that night.

Madonna actually stole the show without ever singing a single note before Janet even took the stage. She is my HERO tonight for standing on that stage and talking about Michael Jackson's lost childhood and giving the world another human vision of him.. Few people have spoken about that with so much heart, and even fewer have uttered the words, "We abandoned him." She both humbled herself and elevated herself to a new level in my eyes when she said that. I loved Madonna with wild abandon as a child, she was my IDOL and that is no understatement. Tonight she broke down barriers with that speech. She opened up as a human being, and opened up hearts with honesty and generosity. She proved herself to be a better friend to him than most, even if it is only now, after the fact.

"We abandoned him", she said. I repeat that again for emphais. I have been the most hardcore Michael Jackson fan all my life, but in 2005 I abandoned him too. I freaked out when the second round of allegations came about, and at that age I could only see things as black or white (no pun intended!), never in the gray area that most things really are. I was scared to believe in him anymore, and I checked out. Just checked out. I felt abandoned and betrayed and lied to. I never questioned him prior to that; never saw the weirdness that the rest of the world saw. Weird, bottom line, simply did not matter to me and does not matter to me. I was always called weird as a child, by friends, foes, and even family (no joke), so the last thing I'd ever judge someone for is uniqueness or eccentricities. But yes, the allegations freaked me the f*ck out, and I did abandon him.

Quite a while after they proclaimed him innocent, I pulled the music back out again and decided that I could still enjoy the professional without regard for the personal. But the lesson that I have learned from Michael Jackson is that you must reach out to the people who are misunderstanding you. Don't feed the ones who are hurting you, but share your reality with people instead of hiding it. He made his life into a "Michael Jackon vs. The World" movie, and we allowed him to. My movie used to be the same one until I painstakingly rewrote the script, and sometimes certain scenes still contain traces of that paranoia. There are some things that can't be completely erased. It takes hard emotional work to save yourself from identifying as the victim, and I don't think he was capable of removing himself from that role without the help of others. Too many yes men and too few friends adds up to a tragic drug-induced death. I just have so much gratitude to Madonna tonight for saying the things that so few are willing to say. I didn't want to talk about the negatives too soon after his death. Tonight felt like the right time.

On a better note, the trailer for Michael Jackson's This Is It was even better than I imagined it would be. The rehearsal footage looks amazing, much better than the Dangerous or HIStory tours, really mind blowing stuff. He dropped the insecure high-pitched voice and used his real voice (anybody notice that?) and that tells me that we're going to see the real deal, the artist at his most comfortable with his guard let down, crafting what will still be his greatest performance even in death. I know, somehow, it was meant to be this way. The world would never have received this with such open arms if he was still alive. He was meant to light up the world again, but he couldn't do it while there was still air in his lungs. That's sad, but it's the blunt truth. He should have just faked his death so he could have enjoyed watching all this from a secluded hidden Neverland somewhere no one could find him. But I'm sure he can see all of this from where he is, and without the siniter faked death plot to cloud the story! Haha... Gotta laugh a little through the pain, right? And smile through those tears.

So the VMAs were overwhelmingly entertaining this year if you ask me. Even Kanye, as awful as that was, somehow turned out to be entertainment and something to get us talking. Now, True Blood has been waiting patiently for me on the DVR, so I'm going to close the laptop and find out what happened in Bon Temps while I was busy watching these stars make spectacles of themselves. :) 'Night all...

The VMAs and Janet Jackson's tribute performance

2009-09-13T17:18:00.006-04:00

It's almost 5 o' clock and we're gearing up to watch the VMAs at 9, just gotta run some errands and then high tail it back here so we don't miss the pre-show. I'm happy that it's VMA time of course, I look forward to this every year... but despite the fact that I am and have always been a huge Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson fan (and even some other Jacksons that you might not guess, though certainly not with the level of devotion that I have reserved for those two!)... and I don't want this to come across the wrong way, but... I'm really not looking forward to Janet's performance tonight. I mean I'm looking forward to seeing her, obviously. I love to see her anytime, anyplace, you know? :) (Sorry, bad pun.) And I know tonight's performance will help a lot of people with the healing process over losing Michael Jackson. But...

The last 2+ months have been nonstop Michael Jackson for me. I went to the Motown Museum (thank you again to Margie and Ani for taking us there)... I redid my studio and hung up a ton of Michael stuff to inspire me... I have listened to his music constantly. I've cried for the loss and I've smiled at all the beautiful things we've been left with. I have definitely given myself the time to both celebrate and grieve. Realistically I haven't been able to get away from it.

But just last night I was replaying in my mind the moment that I heard about his death, probably for the thousandth time, and I finally said, "STOP." I had to do that with my grandmother's and father's deaths too. I had to stop replaying those moments. I think it is damaging to replay those moments in your mind so many times. Remembering the good things is wonderful, but to keep feeling your heart sink just like it did when those words first hit your ears? I'm tired of putting my brain through that. Matter of fact I have a poem about this that I wrote after my grandmother passed away. I'll find that and post it this week for you.

But anyway my point is that as much as I'm looking forward to seeing Janet tonight, I feel like I can't take another tear. I can't NOT watch, but I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel the enormity of what she has lost and what we have collectively lost. But I have to. I guess, just like with every other loss, I have to move through these moments; navigate them and move forward swiftly. Remember how Quincy Jones said he wasn't going to any more funerals? Well, he did in fact go to Michael's. And for me, not going to funerals or not facing people's deaths is not an answer, because it'll all sneak back up on you later anyway and you'll still have to face it. That's what Janet's Velvet Rope album is about. Peeling away those layers because it's all still under there somewhere. Gotta deal with it as it comes so you don't have to later.

You see you can't run away from your pain
Because where ever you run there you will be
--Janet Jackson, Special

So come on ya'll. One more night of Mike. Who's watching with me?

photo credit: janet jackson
photo credit: ijustine via twitter

Change in format. Who wants more fun on the blog?

2009-09-04T20:36:00.004-04:00

I've got so much to share with you guys, and I ration it, give it to you a bite at a time every now and then, because I'm afraid to overwhelm my most loyal readers with too much. But every day I read blogs that are updated two or three times per day, sometimes more, and I'm not overwhelmed by it, so why would I assume that you would be? Why am I always holding myself back, not just with this, but in all areas of my life? I should give people a chance to like the real me without censoring and pre-filtering every single piece.

Daily I read blogs posted by JD, Olivia Munn, and Common, most of which have little to do with their professional careers, but they're interesting because they feature things that they like... And to top it off, I wouldn't put Jermaine or Common on my list of top favorite celebs, yet I read those blogs daily because I like what they share. (Olivia does make my list of faves. I'd follow her no matter what she posted. She just rocks. Sorry guys.)

If they were only posting things about their careers, I may not be a subscriber. I stick around because I know that JD shows off all his fave ultra-expensive tech gear, cars, and clothing. (Why do I like this when I cannot afford it? Who knows. But it's fun.) I stay subscribed to Common's blog because the dude's taste in furniture blows my mind. I want to buy every piece of furniture he's ever posted. Can't afford that either, but damn do I enjoy looking at it.

But anyway, every day when I read their blogs, I wish that I had the kind of relationship with my readers where I could also share two or three things per day and not have anybody say, "Whoa, that's way too much, I'm outta here." I want the kind of relationship where most of you say, "I can't wait for Kelley's next blog post." (Close friends and family are excluded from that wish because you get too much of me already! You have permission to be tired of me. Haha...)

The bottom line is that I'm going to start sharing things that resonate with me, without checking my radar to see if I think you guys would like it too. If you're here, then I assume you want to know me better, so I'm going to flood the blog with my passions and my inspirations as usual, but also include all the fun stuff that I've been skipping in order to look "professional." Screw professional. Blogs are supposed to be fun. :) And this one is supposed to be about me. Not just the poetry, not just the music, but ME.

So let's give it a try... feedback appreciated as we go!

-K.

P.S. for mailing list subscribers... I will be changing the settings so that you don't get an individual email each time I post. They'll come through once daily with anything that was added on that particular day. Sound OK to you? If not, just say the word...

Needed as We Are... a new poem about the meaning of life as I see it

2009-08-26T22:03:00.004-04:00

This one came to me quickly tonight after reading a few of Jim Morrison's poems. I can never be lazy when I witness the results of unrestrained creativity--I'm always forced to sit down and let the words flow in the wake of it.

My personal vision of what we're put on this earth for is buried somewhere in these words. Feel free to comment and share your own opinions on the meaning of life, analyze and dissect the lines of this poem, or just read it and find your own meaning...

Needed as We Are

Through the liquid orb
the tiniest word
is magnified
one hundredfold,
yet the meaning
becomes less clear
without context.

A heavy focus,
an intent grasp
on longings,
designs,
decisions,
distractions.
20/20 clarity
on the hidden
worlds of you,
but near blind
on the public
worlds of me.

I am gifted and robbed,
talented and handicapped,
conceived and killed.
All at the same time,
in the same breath,
in the same space.

Simulcast across the waves,
a sunrise can only reach so far.
But this is live within us all
24 hours, on demand, streaming.
Sleep or wake to the tunes
of young or old voices
on magnetic or wax devices.
Authenticity returning
on inauthentic roads.
It matters not which path it takes,
only that it gets there.

And the protagonist is glad
to be alive in a time
when curative words are
a required balm
for old third-degree burns
that never healed
and never will.

To be needed
as we are,
to know our role
and to fill it,
is in itself
the reason
and the meaning
that we seek.

photo credit: billionstrang via flickr

Thank you so much. Always glad you're here. <3

Missing my grandmother on her birthday...

2009-08-23T06:00:00.003-04:00

Adeline Zambrowski (1919-2004)

So many years with you, a million memories.
So many years without you, still carrying your strength.
We love you and miss you.

Love,
All of us

New love poem... I Adore Us

2009-08-19T20:09:00.003-04:00

For those who are as in love as I am, and for those who would wish to be... This is long overdue. Please enjoy.

I Adore Us

This glow
is the warmth of the sun
after the unkind storm.
You are what is needed,
what is sought after,
what is craved.

The miraculous can't hold a candle
to the magic that we create
within these modest walls.

The setting is unassuming.
The performance is sacred, elysian.

I am humbled in your gleam,
and illuminated in your shadow.

The tables are set. The stories are told.
The candles are extinguished.
The guests return home.

And we are left in exquisite solitude,
not as a lonely one, but as a perfectly paired two.

I adore this.
I adore us.

I am thankful that God gave us love.

If you liked it, I'd love to hear from you in the comments below or on Twitter @kelleyonline. Thank you!

photo credit: |[ sykez ]| via flickr

Behind the scenes glimpse into the songs I've written recently

2009-08-06T18:54:00.007-04:00

I've been writing more songs than usual lately, and I want to give you a little behind the scenes glimpse into what I've been up to instead of keeping it all to myself. I haven't felt this creative in ages. I've had some serious writer's block for a long time now--not the usual kind where you sit there and try to find the words but you can't, but the kind where you just don't let yourself write at all. Poems have come pretty steadily since I first started writing them at age 13, but songs come more sporadically. I get little snippets of melodies and lyrics in my head constantly, but I con myself into thinking that I'll write it down later, and so I lose it. God plucks it right out of my brain and gives it to someone else who will use it and give it to the world.

I've noticed that I stop myself from listening to the music I love or watching anything that's even mildly creative because I know that the ideas will come while I'm watching or listening, and I'll have to write it down and record the melodies. That feels like a big responsibility--it always feels like one that I'm not equipped to handle. Even as I write that, I know it's so stupid to feel that way, because I'm at my happiest when I'm writing music. Hours fly by and feel like minutes. But when I'm not actually in the zone, thinking about entering the zone can be the scariest thing.

There really is a lot of responsibility that comes with it, because you feel like you're being given these melodies and lyrics for a reason, yet you know that you're just going to put them in the vault with everything else and never put it out there for anybody to hear, dissect, criticize... or maybe even enjoy. Except that I'm growing and changing and I'm not so afraid to share these things with you anymore. I want to put it all out there and see what you think. Getting up on stage and singing was, for most of my life, a constant craving and an insurmountable fear. Now I've gotten up there and done karaoke a few times including this past Saturday, and for me, that kind of impromptu casual get-up-and-sing kind of moment is much scarier than any huge performance you could line up for me! If I have conquered that, then why not slay the fear that's kept me from sharing my music for all this time?

I'm moving my computer and recording equipment into a new spot next week, and I'm turning it into a real studio space where I can allow myself to be creative. I'm going to put up my favorite memorabilia and autographs from the artists who inspire me. I'm not going to put my microphone away anymore. I'll put a cover on it to keep it safe from dust, but putting it away just makes it more likely that I'll be too lazy to take it out when it's time to work on something. I'm going to be 28 years old this Halloween. I can't afford to procrastinate anymore! I have so many years worth of material that needs to be worked on, finished, and put out there. I don't want to die with all of this locked up inside me. I've wasted so much time...

But moving on to the behind-the-scenes stuff...

I finished up the lyrics to I'll Hold Your Music Close to Me, a song that I wrote back in September of 2008 when I was thinking about one day possibly having to deal with the deaths of my biggest musical influences. The second line says, "In time even the brightest star gives into the night." I had no idea how soon I'd face losing the biggest one, Michael Jackson, but I definitely had him in mind when I was writing this. Like my lyrics say, "No one can read the face on the clock of the heart." We never know when our time will be up, and we really do need to live each day like it's the last. That was always a big theme in his music. Here's the chorus:

When your energy leaves
When you're taken from me
I'll keep the music playing
And I'll keep the lights aglow
When your encore is made
When you exit the stage
I'll sing the notes you sang to me
And I'll hold your music close to me

And I really like the bridge a lot as well:

When you no longer breathe
When the lyrics are your heart
And the rhythm is your heartbeat
I'll sing the songs you wrote to me
Like a lullaby to sleep

My own song has actually brought a lot of comfort to me in the last couple of months. It's one of my favorite melodies that I've ever written too. I'm holding off on sharing the complete lyrics until I give you the song in its entirety, but I really hope you'll like that one as much as I do.

I also wrote a song called Still Feel This Way, which is about my partner and how grateful I am for what we have. I'll give you a sneak peek at the first verse:

Recall the time I was
Sitting on your lap when we were young
You smiled and looked up at me and said
Wouldn't it be great
If we got old and gray and stayed together
We're halfway there now
And yet we've only begun

Lyrics are never as impressive "on paper" as poems are. You've got to hear the music and the vocals to understand the feeling behind the more conversational words. But it's true--we are halfway to "old and gray" and still we're starting over again. Yet the heaviness of that is lost. I just feel good, excited, grateful. And I feel younger than I ever did. I put a lot of drama into our lives when I should have just been having fun, but with the way I grew up, I really never knew how to. This song is the first one that I wrote in its entirety while she was here with me, then brought her the lyrics on paper and played the song for her while I sat right next to her. I could never have done that before. She really loved it, and she cried. I'll always cherish that moment because I was so afraid to share this side of myself before. Now I can show her that I love her in the best way that I know how. That's one of the pieces that we were missing before.

I'm also really happy about a tribute song I'm working on called Why, which heavily samples two separate Michael Jackson tracks from the Thriller era and blends them into one seamless song, with all new lyrics yet keeping the old melodies. It came to me so quickly and flawlessly, which is how the best songs usually come. I'm really in love with the entire concept and I've been singing the song in my head for weeks, putting new touches on it here and there as I go. I have no idea what the outcome of this one will be, because I've got to get sample clearance on both songs if I ever want to release it. Creatively it's been a dream to work on though, even if it never sees the light of day. I broke past some creative barriers trying to mix the two songs into one, and it got those wheels turning again.

It's not a heavy song about Michael Jackson's death or even a happy song about his influence--in fact although the choruses could apply to losing him if you wanted them to, the song is not specifically about him at all. Not in a literal way, anyway. It's a love song like he himself would sing. The verses tell a story about two lovers, one who is leaving and one who is struggling with saying goodbye. Here's a look at the first verse:

Tangled up in bedsheets of memories
It's the morning after
And yesterday must leave
But can I cling for one moment more
While you sleep
While you're still breathing next to me

I love those lyrics. "It's the morning after, and yesterday must leave." That line came in one quick shot and it blew me away. I'm so in love with that lyrical picture. I just Googled it to make sure I didn't accidentally bite it from some classic song, and for the record, it's all mine! lol :) I don't know which angel came and tapped me on the shoulder and whispered those two lines in my ear (hmm... I wonder...), but here's a belated thank you to them! I know that didn't come from my own mind. It's inspired. I'm humbled.

Then a couple of nights ago I was watching a Bob Dylan DVD that I rented from Netflix--never been a Bob Dylan fan in any capacity but I thought I'd finally find out what all the fuss was about. Still can't say I dig the sound, but the lyrics have me intrigued and wanting to hear more. I've always been a lyric nut--a song can be aurally less than impressive but if the lyrics blow my mind I'll latch onto it right away...

Random memory: I remember being at Desirable Discs in Dearborn about 14 years ago (OK, feeling old now!) rifling through all the Jacksons albums and trying to find something I didn't have, and they were playing an entire CD of Bob Dylan. I wanted to run. lol... I got some great Janet Jackson posters that night though. If you had told me I'd be watching a Bob Dylan DVD 14 years later, I'd never believe you.

Anyway, hearing about Dylan's beginnings and his whole creative approach to music got those ideas pumping like they always do, and out came a song called Illumined. On the surface it's about the moon. My songs always have a surface meaning and then multiple undercurrents. Here's the chorus for this one:

You are the light that never left
I consume it, I'm illumined
Even in my absence, I had you to coax the waves
And there in my darkness, you marked this moonlit way
I'm still illumined by things you did lightyears away

I like the look of that on the page--some lyrics are poems set to music and that's definitely one of them. The melody for this one came out typical and unimpressive, but today when I was sitting here putting the melody down, it evolved into what it was supposed to be, and I'm excited about it. Really excited. I couldn't stop talking about it earlier because I think it's one of the best melodies I've ever written. I can't take credit for it--you know where it comes from. I am grateful for it. When I finished putting the melody down, I looked up and said, "Thank you." I've got a lot of lyrics that I feel strongly about, a lot of songs that I've put my heart and soul into, but when they come from someplace else and you feel humbled by it, that's what it's really about. That's the ultimate rush and the reason that I do it.

Well... next week I move the studio and I'm going to get some audio up on this blog asap. You've got the pieces, now I need to deliver the finished product. I'm a perfectionist so I'll be tinkering for a while, but I'll keep the conversation going as I work. I'll be posting some photos when I'm done moving everything too. I'm throwing open the doors and windows here so to speak--I want to let you in because I know that once I've done that, the comfort zone will increase and I won't want to hide my work from you anymore.

Thanks for being here as usual! I love you guys. xo... stay tuned...

photo credit: celine nadeau via flickr

Ash and Dust -- a poem about the meaning of life and the inevitability of death

2009-07-16T16:38:00.004-04:00

This space has been far too devoid of poetry lately! :) Here's something new for you, and if you're as mesmerized by the photo below as I am, click it to view the full size shot. Credit goes to FriaLOve on flickr--I just can't take my eyes off that photo, and I think it goes so well with the words below... Here's the poem:

Ash and Dust

Wondering what comes after this.
After the breath has gone,
after the songs have slipped from our lungs.

We are lovers of life,
but what of it
if this is temporary?

Do the confines of space and time
limit the meaning of our life's work?

If catastrophe destroys the written record
of all that we poured our souls into,
does it still matter? Even when unknown?

I believe so. I have to.

The more loved ones I lose,
the less I fear the clammy grip of death.
I cannot see past the granite gravestones,
cannot predict what we'll see when we cross
from one life into the next,
or perhaps even into nothingness.

Still young but worn and weary,
I long to pack this life with good acts,
but at the same time not cling needlessly.

If my father and grandparents have gone,
if my idols and pioneers have passed,
then how can I resist the end?
I have no right to question it.
I am only ash and dust.

photo credit: FriaLOve on flickr

Twitter and Google Friend Connect -- join one or both to stay in touch and get more out of this blog

2009-07-14T20:40:00.006-04:00

I was just chilling out in the Twitterverse for a little bit, and I was thinking about those of you who have been following me long-term or those who have been paying attention to my blog on a daily basis--those of you who get the feed either via RSS or maybe through the email list. The ones who click on every update and read it, sometimes commenting, sometimes emailing. I am deeply appreciative of that.

I just wanted to invite you all to join me on Twitter @kelleyonline -- because if the blog is a string of long letters to you, then Twitter is the short daily conversation, and a lot of you are missing out on that connection. It's short, it's direct, and I'm active. Easiest way to reach me.

Something else that I just installed on the blog is Google Friend Connect. Look up at the top of the page--you can now sign in with your Google, Gmail, AIM, Yahoo!, Netlog, or OpenID account, or of course create a new Google account if you don't have any of those. I'm as new to this as you are, so we can figure it out together. I see that there are ways to link it to MySpace and Facebook and other social networking sites, and I'm hoping to implement some of that as well.

I crave the communication we used to have back in the day on the mailing list and message board (remember that?). Seems like most if not all of you are still with me via the current mailing list, but we lack that interaction. I've got so much great stuff in the pipeline for 2009 and 2010, from poetry books to EPs and albums, and I want to be able to get your feedback on all of it and get a feel for what you want. Hard to do when we're not in touch, so I want to open all the doors and be as accessible as possible. This is a great beginning to that.

The point of all this is to stay in touch with you, so sign up for one or the other, (Twitter is here, and Google Friend Connect is at the very top of every page on the blog), or better yet both.

Hope you are all having a good week... fresh poetry coming up within 48 hours!

Bizarre is beautiful... Memorial message to Michael, and still more thoughts on his life and death

2009-07-06T21:32:00.000-04:00

MichaelJackson.com, the official Michael Jackson site run by Sony, has changed from a static message about Michael's death to a dynamic site where you can leave your own messages in honor of The King of Pop. Millions are mourning the loss of a legend and I know we all want to express what we're feeling. I posted something on a virtual candle website the other night that I intended to keep anonymous and private, but I went ahead and posted the same thing on the official site tonight because I think, among all these thousands of words that I have written about him, this short paragraph to Michael really says all I need to say:

Thank you for the joy you brought to my life
"May God surround you and protect you in the way you were never protected in life. I would have given anything to save you, to take away all the things that hurt you, and to give you the safety and confidence that you never had. I feel your pain and I understand because I have lived through it myself. I vow to take a different path in your honor and to remember you with every step. Please watch over me in my journey, and help me to change the world for the better. I'll carry you with me forever. I love you."
--Kelley, July 6th 7:02 pm

What do I mean about understanding the pain he lived through? Well, in the early '80s I loved Michael because he was pure magic, period. The Thriller album, Beat It and Billie Jean videos... who didn't love him then? It had nothing to do with pain. But in the early '90s I loved him when it seemed like nobody else did, because I could relate to the judgment and rejection that he faced, particularly here in the states, even as he continued giving this world some of the best music we've ever heard.

People judged him even in the '80s because he was not their definition of "normal." Normal is overrated. If he was "normal" none of us would ever have celebrated him as much as we did in life and now in death. Normal doesn't change the world. Normal doesn't make an impact. I've never in my life felt normal in any capacity of the word, and I'm not going to let that bother me anymore. I was reminded once again this July 4th that I am surrounded by people who really love me and have only my best interests at heart, and I think in this world that's the best thing you can hope for. So, screw normal. As they lay him to rest, I lay the word normal to rest from my vocabulary. Bizarre, as he apparently coined himself, is beautiful.

I understand that people were afraid to love Michael Jackson after the allegations, whether true or false--but I'm talking about the rejection he faced before there was ever even a hint of an allegation. People talked about him as if he was not a human being, and in the same breath they judged him for not being human enough. I know exactly what that feels like, and I still deal with the effects of it in my everyday life. How many of my songs and poems are about trying to get past the self-hatred that came out of the verbal abuse I was subjected to in school? I'd hate to do the math on that one. People who are abused tend to later inflict that same abuse on themselves in myriad ways. Ultimately he may have died trying to escape that pain. Is that the saddest part of his story? I don't know. I have a feeling we don't even know half of it. So instead we must focus on the joy.

I still associate the magic, and the pain, with Michael Jackson. I still relate to him because his music was escapism--and so is mine. It's transformative. I try to heal myself with my own words, with the hope that it'll heal someone else out there too at some point in time. And where did I get that blueprint? Michael Jackson.

I've still got more Michael Jackson blog posts in the pipeline for you, whether you want 'em or not! :) I will in fact return to my regularly scheduled programming soon enough (lol), but at the moment this is truly all that's on my mind and I want to give myself the space and time that I need to express this.

Thanks for listening, and don't forget to leave your own memorial message at MichaelJackson.com. If you weren't fortunate enough to be able to visit a physical memorial like I did at the Motown Museum, I'd say that, and watching the services tomorrow live on TV, are the next best thing. RIP MJ!

photo credits: Tony the Misfit and Lindsay Silveira via flickr

More thoughts on Michael Jackson's death

2009-07-02T22:17:00.003-04:00

I'm still working on some special Michael Jackson features for the blog, most likely coming next week, but in the meantime I thought I'd post some thoughts I shared on Twitter. It's not yet confirmed that his death was drug-related, and as a literally lifelong fan I am extremely hesitant to talk about any speculative, scandalous, or tabloid-esque rumors. Michael detested the endless speculation... I recall these lyrics from Tabloid Junkie:

It's slander
You say it's not a sword
But with your pen you torture men
You'd crucify the Lord
And you don't have to read it
And you don't have to eat it
To buy it is to feed it
So why do we keep foolin' ourselves

Just because you read it in a magazine
Or see it on the TV screen
Don't make it factual
Though everybody wants to read all about it

--Michael Jackson, Tabloid Junkie

In this celebrity gossip obsessed society, those lyrics apply even more fifteen years after they were written. As I was saying, I don't want to talk about anything negative in the wake of his death, and especially not anything unconfirmed and speculative. But even just the idea that his death was anything other than one of natural causes... is devastating to think about. And in response to that, these were my thoughts:

"We never deserve these unbelievably talented stars, yet we demand more and more from them. Then we lose them to the pressures and/or drugs. We need to take care of our celebrated public figures just as we care for our own beloved family members--there should be some protection against the yes-men and money hungry doctors who furnish these fragile souls (Elvis, Michael Jackson) with the drugs that end their lives. Those who seek celebrity (myself included) are lacking something to begin with. We seek to fill that void. Few fill it and transcend. He was an artist of escapism, and he has finally escaped all that burdened him, but I wish the world had been more understanding and caring. He wanted so badly to heal the world, but the world never wanted to heal Michael Jackson. Now, too late, we'd give anything to change this."

--posted by @kelleyonline on Twitter, 6/30/2009

Our most cherished celebs are often remembered in a much better light in death than they were celebrated in life, and unfortunately for at least the last fifteen years that was the case with Michael Jackson. There were things we didn't understand and things we were afraid of. His appearance changed drastically, there were frightening allegations, and his perfectionist ways meant very long breaks between albums so there wasn't a whole lot to keep our society's short attention span focused on him. Now the world remembers. They're literally dancing, and crying, in the streets. I guess I just hope that all of this reminds us to treat everyone in our lives a little more gently and with a lot more love. We honestly never know which breath will be our last.

Some well-composed thoughts on MJ coming next week rather than these random thoughts! Have a good 4th of July weekend!

photo credit: Valerious on flickr